I'm still not feeling fully myself, so packing today was a bit of a burden. I'd throw some things into the suitcase and then have to lay down to rest. This continued the whole time packing! I asked my friend if he would accompany me to the mall today because I had my eye on something special for my 9 month old niece back home. Because my trip was cut so short suddenly, and ended with being sick, I have had no time to pick up souvenirs - and I had so many things in mind for everyone back home. I am pretty disappointed about this!

We rode a city bus that dropped us near the mall and bee lined it to the store for my niece. I can't wait to show you pictures of what I got for her, but my family quite possibly may be reading this, so you'll have to wait until I give it to her. Even better, you'll get to see it ON her! Ohhh I can't wait!!!

After purchasing the item, I turned to my friend and said, "let's have McDonalds". At this statement he almost fell over, since he knows I am not one to crave fast food - in any country. But from being sick and still feeling a bit under the weather, I needed a big warm hug from my childhood - and that would be none other than Chicken McNuggets dipped in Barbecue sauce! I ordered the 9 piece too, the biggest order they have, and devoured it with fries gleefully. (My family back home is also fainting  - I am usually so anti fast food! They may now be wondering if this sickness has had more of a serious effect on me.)

A reader pointed out in a comment to try not to think of the length of time I was supposed to be in India. Instead, take it day by day and think of it more like a week vacation. Easier said then done true, but today, because I did know my trip was coming to an end, everything did seem brighter, happier, nicer, etc. It was back to the way I felt when I first arrived and everything was so new. So like the title says, leaving is bittersweet. When I knew I had months ahead of me, I didn't know how I would handle it. Now that I know today's it; my last bus ride, last rickshaw ride, last time looking out my lovely doors out onto the balcony, last time living in Bangalore, I'm feeling a tinge of sadness. I know India could have been SO much more. I was really looking forward to teaching the school children, and making new friends and memories and seeing more of India.

I know I have said there are personal reasons behind this decision to leave that I can't quite express, but I will say this: If I was here with MIM I know this whole experience would have been so much different. I just couldn't quite find happiness exploring his country without him. I wanted to be sharing it with him. So to all of you who are planning on coming to India, choose your travel partner wisely.

Goodbye India. We were happy, and then we were sad, but I haven't given up on you yet. I know there's more to you that I was unable to experience or appreciate but if it's meant to be, I'll be back again one day. Until then, catch ya on the travel channel!

Thanks to all my lovely readers who were always there to keep me strong and lend words of advice. Thanks for always understanding and accepting my ups and downs in this foreign country. I really appreciate it!

Ok, I better get finished packing now. Only a few more hours until my flight takes off. (It was really hard to type that last sentence without cringing). Can't believe it's OVER!

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and kind words. I haven't been able to respond or write a post because I've been very sick. I don't know with what or why; I went to bed one day feeling fine and woke up the next morning unable to lift my head. I literally didn't move from my bed for two whole days. No eating, hardly any drinking, just in and out of consciousness. Believe me, being all alone here I was pretty scared. I did my best to keep my family and friends updated by a few sentences sent through email but, that was all I could muster.

I am feeling a bit better today, although I still can't get up and walk much. My friend came home last night after 10 long days which I was thankful for. He got me some soup as I requested but I wasn't able to keep it down. You can imagine my desires to go home only escalated during this time.

So far today I was able to eat and keep down oatmeal but I'm still lying in bed as I type as anything else takes too much energy. I was horrified while typing to a friend who I met through this site and who is also living in India, that a friend of her family's passed away yesterday in Mumbai from some kind of virus. She had a two year old daughter. It made me realize how possible it was for it to happen to me too.

So, after all of this, the decision has been made: I am going home. Very soon actually; I leave tomorrow. Of course I feel a tinge of sadness that India wasn't a better experience for me, but with my friend leaving me alone for so long (we already decided this was not a good move on his part) and then getting sick, I just couldn't stay strong. There are other, more personal reasons of course which draw me home. All in all I've lived a month in India and while I'm sure I could have seen and experienced a ton more, I'm satisfied with a month. At least now when MIM talks about his home, I will understand completely.

Thanks to all of you for doing your best to lift my spirits and keep me going. If MIM and I ever marry, I'm sure I'll be back to visit India again. But in no way, shape, or form will I ever try to live here again. Taking this leap of faith has taught me a lot about myself and I am thankful for that. Even though I'm leaving early, I've gotten a lot out of my stay. I will never forget the things I've seen or experienced here and they will stay with me forever. I have become more thankful for my life back home and more determined to enjoy every minute and every opportunity available to me. I feel saddened that India and other 3rd world countries can't be on the same level as Westernized countries. Everyone deserves a good quality of living. I hope in time, things will change and everyone across the globe can live happy, healthy lives.

India: decisions at one month in.

I've been thinking a lot lately. India hasn't been what I expected it to be. Most days I find myself unhappy and questioning why I stay here. One reason I keep pushing forward is pride; I planned to stay for a certain amount of time and I want to reach my goal. The other reason I stay is the fear of giving up and missing the opportunity to actually like India and get to know her better. Another reason is the opportunity I have to teach English. And another is not to ditch my friend and leave him on his own.

But - it gets harder every day to find my purpose here when I'm holed up in the house or inside the gates of the community. Sure, my friend will be coming back soon and I will get to venture out again, but that is where I experience most of my anxiety: out and about in the streets. I can't say I'm actually looking forward to getting back to it. People stare, the streets are dirty, polluted and noisy, there's so much hardship and sadness everywhere you look, no one smiles or says hello.

I used to live and work on a cruise ship which docked in Ensenada, Mexico twice a week. I had this idea that India would be somewhat like my experience in Mexico; I could get off the ship and walk into town absolutely alone, go to an internet cafe and drink a coffee as I caught up with everyone back home. I even ate by myself and went to the movie theatre on my own without ever feeling uncomfortable. I walked into stores and restaurants and the workers acknowledged you with a smile, a "hello, how are you" and "thank you". I never ever felt the anxiety or as overwhelmed there as I feel being out and about here in India. Mexicans were very friendly and I found them to have a similar "American" attitude. Sure, there were still beggars and men that would gawk and whistle as I went by, it was heck crossing the roads at times, but still, there was a completely different feeling in the air.

Now, India's hard. People are suffering around the clock. I get that. So how can I expect to go out into the streets and be greeted with smiles and happy faces? Everyone seems to be struggling here: even the middle class work exhausting hours just to get by with a minimal living. They fight to cross the roads, to get a seat on the bus - the entire day is a fight against a billion other people. So obviously I may be asking too much. Still, I simply fear I am not strong enough for India and its hardships.

I fear my anxiety will only get worse and my sadness will only get worse, because I cannot see at this moment what could turn it all around. Of course there are happy moments here and there as I've shared with you, but those moments are fleeting in the daily life of living in India.

I'm 28 years old. The one thing about getting older is you begin to realize and to accept who you are and what you're capable of. You are better equipped to know what you like and dislike and can say "no" and mean it. The awkward teenage years have passed, you've almost cleared your tumultuous twenties, you're on your way to being an adult and knowing what's best for yourself. You know what makes you happy - you know what makes you sad - and you adjust when you need to. I can stick around in India and fight my intuit feelings, or I can learn what I have from the experience and myself, and move on knowing I did the best this 28 year old could do at this point in her life.

To those of you who read my blog and are Indian: I mean no disrespect. I know many foreigners who love India and do quite well here. I'm sure there's beauty in things I have yet to and may never discover. And I feel those who were born here and have family and childhood memories will always hold a love for India in their hearts that I will never know, the same way I hold love for my home in America - which I miss greatly and have gained more respect for.

So the question remains: do I stay or do I go, and only I can answer it for myself. You'll be the first to know when I come to a decision.

Today was my first day experiencing "domestic help". My landlord (who lives across the street) sent her weekly gardener over to my home and told him to trim, pull weeds, and generally spiff things up. With all this rain in Bangalore lately, the plants surrounding my home and porch have been growing like crazy.I hardly noticed it was beginning to look like I lived in a jungle.

"Just give him Rs.100 when he's finished," she told me. ($2).

So the young man who was all smiles tilted his bamboo ladder onto my balcony and began his work. He performed so swiftly and effortlessly I swear he could do it just as well in his sleep. Then, not two minutes into it, it starts pouring down rain. He scuttles under my porch hoping to simply wait it out. I open the front door and ask if he would like to come in. "No mam," he says with a smile.

The rain never completely stops but soon becomes lighter and I hear him at it again; wacking, trimming, pulling. And then all of the sudden, I hear him in my back yard, sweeping and hosing everything down. I had been meaning to get to the backyard myself - which was covered in fallen leaves and sticks since we've moved in - I never imagined this was also included in the Rs.100 fee.

When he finishes he rings my door bell and is bagging all the debris. "Finished madam," he says. He's drenched from head to toe. I reach for my money and hand him double - Rs.200. I simply couldn't imagine giving him the equivalent of $2 for all his work - in the rain. Even $4 blows my mind. I have worked in landscaping and I have also spent days outside building trails. I know how backbreaking yard work can be.

After he left, I walked around the house admiring his work. I keep thinking how I could get used to this sort of thing, but also how I would probably go broke by overpaying everyone. I can't help but compare the pay in American dollars and it's simply pennies!

I think you all know by now I'm due to start teaching English (I was assigned 7th grade) at a nearby government school here. Well, last week was supposed to be our first week of classes, but was canceled due to not having enough volunteers. So I counted down the days until tomorrow, our new first day, and I just received notification that school is canceled for the day. So, now I must hold in my excitement until next week! And in the mean time, find something or other to keep me busy all alone here!

I went for a walk in the neighborhood yesterday and as fate would have it, ran into one of the girls I met at last weeks teacher orientation. She is a mom of two originally from Kazakhstan but exactly my age! She's blonde, blue-eyed and a tiny little thing with an adorable Russian accent.

She has a gorgeous house, a driver available 24/7, maids, cooks, - you know, everything an impostor like me living in such a grand community doesn't have. She ended up asking me if I'd like to go into town and get coffee with her today and I was very excited at the prospects of getting OUT again, making a new friend, and exploring new territories. So, we planned to have her driver pick me up at 10am.

I woke up early, got all dressed up in my skinny jeans and top, and when 10 came and went and she wasn't here, I became really sad thinking she forgot about me and almost packed my bags and gave up on India! But, 10:30 pulls around and she arrives apologizing for her lateness. (I should have known better, it is India, and there is something called Indian time...)

To my surprise, she brought me to all these fancy boutiques that I didn't know even existed and then to an uber-fancy mall - I mean UBER FANCY (click link for photos). There we ate at a lovely cafe with outdoor seating, had wonderful mochas with designs in the foam, (does it get any better than little leaves and hearts in your coffee foam?) ate gourmet sandwiches, (I saved half to enjoy it again later!) and split a crepe for desert. The entire meal was around Rs.700 ($15). She was a very open girl as am I, so our chatter never ended. For our first meeting, we talked as if we were long time friends. (Always a great sign!)

For my parents, who may not know what I'm talking about.

After lunch we roamed the stores where even a dress is Rs.80,000 ($1700), and she dared tried on Jimmy Choos! The pair she tried were $1200. I didn't dare try to squeeze my feet into those things. I'd probably fall over or my wide American feet wouldn't fit and I'd simply be a disgrace .

Throughout the entire day I thought, "I could really get used to this". It definitely wasn't the usual day of slogging through India on foot or rickshaws, getting lost, tired, and frustrated. Living this way daily, one would never even know they're in India. It makes you rub your chin and go hmmm.

4pm rolled around and it was time for her daughter to go to dance class. On other days, her daughter takes horseback riding lessons. But I quickly learned the cost of such a glamorous lifestyle; her husband works most of the day and when he does make it home, is on his blackberry for much of the night, answering emails and calls, even through family dinners and all. I really felt for her when she expressed this to me. I don't know if all the hearts in my coffee could ever fill the void of not having my husband around and available.

I see these families living so lavishly here and it now hits me, someone's got to work to afford such a lifestyle. In this case it's usually always the man, and the women juggle the children and their schools and activities and in their down time go by private car with driver and meet for fancy meals or shopping sprees. I think expat women with children who follow their husbands to India are brave for doing so but, I can totally see how you can get sucked in to this lavish lifestyle and forget where you are.

For me, I feel that I am in a good place: poor enough to experience sides of India the rich don't, but dead center in a rich community where I can "pretend" to be one of them as often as I like, as long as someone invites me along to share in their day, whenever India gets to be too much.

Today I was supposed to go along with my neighbor to a church she teaches yoga to mentally handicapped children at. She rang my doorbell last night knowing I was on my own for some time, and invited me to come along to cure my boredom and give me some new experiences. Of course I said yes get me out of here!! and we had plans to go around 9:30 this morning.

9:30 arrives and she appears at my door disappointingly saying the class was canceled but I should come over to her place anyway and play Scrabble. (Did I mention she's an older woman? ) So, all dressed up in my orange kurta, I walked across the street to her place and ended up staying 4 hours! We didn't even get around to Scrabble. Her, her husband, and I just talked, drank tea, and later had a lunch that she prepared. She also sent me home with an avocado from her tree and made me aware that I even had my very own lemon tree in my yard! I honestly had no idea! doink!

All in all, it was such a refresher to get out, get social, and learn more about India from two Indian-born residents. (who, if I may add, have two children in intercultural marriages). They were so passionate about getting me to see as much as India as I could see. "You must go here!" "You must eat here!" They would say. I have so many new ideas swirling in my mind - like a place to eat SUSHI! And a bus tour to 500 yr old ruins!

So, a happy day so far. It's amazing how just being social can brighten your day instantly. As a writer, I have to remind myself of this more often. I think many writers tend to naturally be more of the loner type. As for me, I have a mix of entertainer/loner in my blood so I'm a confusing jumble. At times I love being social and outgoing, but it can get tiring, and I like to retreat off on my own or with my dogs where not a word needs to be spoken! Ah, but after four whole days of the loner writer, I was happy to be the social butterfly today.

Now if only my friend would hurry home so I could go visit some of these places! Don't ask me to do it alone - I'm simply not ready yet!

I awoke this morning to an email from MIM with two videos featuring Aamir Khan and India's travel slogan Incredible India. If MIM was looking to bring a smile to my face and a first morning laugh with these, it sure worked!

Watch the videos here and here and you will get a glimpse of what India's been like at times for me.

P.S. No, it's not another hating on India post! I never think my posts downright hates on India, I always try to write as honestly as I'm feeling. I'm taking India day by day which to any foreigner should be full of ups and downs. If it's not, (as far as other India blogger's go) then they're lying to themselves and you. So please those of you (you know who you are) get off my back and calm down.

My friend took off for his childhood home in Kakinada early this morning leaving me on my own for the next 10 days. Besides walking to the grocery store and buying tortilla chips, salsa, sweet dill pickles, and Kraft Mac 'n Cheese, (isn't the homesickness just seeping through those food choices?) I haven't done much else today. I have a feeling without my friend to guide me through India, I won't be doing much of anything and therefore not having much to write about!

Oh, but, there is one newsworthy piece to document: our home phone is now up and running and I was able to chit chat with MIM for two hours this morning! Luckily he's up all night due to Ramadan, so I catch him early morning my time and it works out quite nicely.

See you when there's something to say!

I have to admit, I feel a sort of discomfort generally here in India. It's a tenseness that never seems to go away. It's when I'm driving along fine in the car, but the anxiety that hits as soon as I have to step out and face the realities of India. Or when I walk outside the gates of my expat sanctum and am thrust into the Indian streets. All I can say is it's a really uncomfortable feeling that I hope goes away soon.

Today, I didn't want anything to do with India. My friend suggested we walk to the mall. I was fine with the initial thought of it, but as soon as we began the walk I felt so much apprehension. I didn't want to go. I wanted to run and hide back in the house. I put on my sunglasses and drooped my head the whole way there. I didn't want to take in anything new today. I didn't want to be in India today.

When we got to the mall, all the noises were intensified. I seriously thought I was going to have a meltdown. I pouted, I dragged my feet. When he suggested we get lunch, I cried out, "I don't want Indian food! I am so sick of Indian food!" Even the sandwiches at the cafe's (which sneakily look like American food) are paneer this or masala that. So, for the first time since being in India, we finally had "American" food. Yummy, lovely, familiar, American food. Salad with sliced pears, goat cheese, and red wine vinaigrette. Lasagna. Iced Tea. Thank God we have an Italian restaurant in our mall. I have a feeling it will be my sanctuary when I need a slice of home. Funny enough, the place was full of expats. I guess it's not only me that needs to escape India every now and then.

I needed to escape India today but after a tummy full of familiar food, I'm feeling a little bit better now. I have a feeling this anxiety I keep experiencing is something that won't ever completely go away. This is my very first time living in another country, one so completely different from my own, and I'm definitely struggling. I can't say yet that I like being here, but I am grateful for the experience. I'm glad I have my blog and all of you to share things with, and I hope soon enough I can feel differently.