Hey friends! I want to say thank you for keeping this blog going strong. Each time I sign on and see so many new members I feel very grateful. Although my intercultural relationship has ended I’m happy to see the blog continues to gain in popularity and is a resource to so many others who are on their own intercultural relationship journeys. While there are many other blogs out there sharing a similar subject, I feel this one has evolved into something special because of the information, support, advice, and stories you all continue to provide for each other even in my absence. So again, thank you all!!

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Below is a reader’s recent letter to me sharing her emotions and experiences in her very new relationship with an Indian man. She kindly wanted to share her story with all of you, too. Reading her letter brought back many of my own early feelings of excitement with MIM. She’s definitely on a journey that no matter the ending will change her life forever.

Before sharing her story, I also recently received an email that I hope the writer does not mind me posting in its entirety:

Why did you and MIM break up? This is really making me curious. I have a boyfriend from Kolkatta, India and I can totally relate to everything you said. It's weird. He says he loves me and we are on the best time of our lives. But, you and MIM were too, but what happened? Why did you guys break up? I want to know so that I can prevent it from happening.

The reason I wanted to comment on these two letters in the same blog post is because it’s something we can never foresee, isn’t it? - How something can begin so good only to end well, not so good – depending how you look at it. Of course, there’s nothing I can do or say to stop a relationship from ending for anyone else. We are all on our own journeys and there’s no telling what the future may bring. The only thing we can do is enjoy while the moments last. For some the moments continue forever and for others it is only a “moment in time”. Life is messy but that’s what also makes it interesting. I always wish the best for all relationships but if it doesn’t end in marriage, babies, or happily ever afters, it doesn’t mean that the whole relationship was a sham. There’s always something new and exciting up ahead if you’re simply willing to turn the corner.

I wished MIM and I had gone the way I had planned. But now that I’ve had time to live and can look back on it with a sense of nonchalance, (It’s been exactly a year since we went kaput), I am able to feel grateful for the experience but also grateful for what I have now. In other words, and please understand I do not mean to take away from what MIM and I had at all, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It almost seems like it was all meant to be - as if my life really is following some unseen script. So I can’t really say why it ended exactly, as, it wasn’t only one great event, but rather little things that seemed to pile up until it became more of a relief and desire to say goodbye and walk away than to continue on. I still think very fondly of MIM, btw, no matter the harsh things that were said or done during or after our break up.

Keep in mind that none of us can foresee how, if, or why our intercultural relationships may end and there’s nothing we can do to prevent it from happening. Just go with it, enjoy every moment, be thankful, and learn as much as you can.

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I met my Indian love three months ago while staying at a hotel.  He owns the hotel, and I was a guest.  He was visiting from Arizona, where he lives.  We started talking in the lobby, and it was hours later before we said goodnight.

My stay at the hotel was supposed to be for only one night, but I ended up extending my stay, as did he.  We did not get romantically involved during that week, but we did go out for dinners, lunches, shopping, walks in the park, etc.  I was not ready to enter into a relationship with him, mainly because I was only a few months out of a previous relationship.

He continued to pursue me after he went back to his life in Arizona, where he is an engineer.  After numerous phone calls and talks about his deep feelings for me, I agreed to enter into an exclusive dating relationship with him.  He immediately told friends and family that he had met the woman of his dreams.

Telling his closest friends and immediately family about me from the start makes my story somewhat different.  His parents are deceased, and he has a sister, so there lies the difference.  We have each been married before, but I have no children.  This also makes my Indian Love relationship somewhat different.  He does not practice Hinduism and was raised Sikh.  He currently has independent religious and cultural beliefs after living in America so long.  He is a philosopher by nature.

My love and I have a tremendous amount in common, many things in the areas of philosophies and hobbies.  We also feel an electric energy together and can stay up for hours without feeling tired.  We can talk business for hours too, and we have decided to purchase a hotel and run it together.  He has asked me to become his life partner, and we are to begin our journey this year after I move.  For now, we are in a long-distance relationship, both in the United States.

We have had a few excursions, to include a very romantic and exciting trip to Las Vegas.  We have sipped champagne at the bottom of the Grand Canyon together.  We have shared the highest and deepest feelings of love possible - We are in love so much is makes us ill to be apart from each other.

My Indian Love and I plan to be together this summer permanently.  We are taking a trip to India to kick things off.  He was born in Northern India and speaks Punjabi.  His family has a palace there.

That's it for now.

Hello again, readers! This one I'd like to dedicate to the ladies.

If you've read my latest post you'd know that MIM and I's relationship has really taken a turn for the worse. But by doing so, I've realized it's allowed me to move ahead in the process of letting go. The moment I received his nasty name calling message, I suddenly had the power and determination to delete our entire Facebook and email conversations - which I will admit I had been hanging on to. Not because I planned to one day be back together, but I simply didn't have the heart to watch three years of communication vanish before my eyes. The day I saw his words, I had absolutely no desire to hold onto it any longer.

Delete all please!!

Are you sure you want to delete the entire conversation? This cannot be undone. YES!!

Deleted. Done.

And I felt...

Lighter.

Next up is our bag of memories. I have a large red and white bag covered with hearts that I had stored all our memories in - movie stubs, love letters, cards from all occasions, and the like. Guys may be scratching their heads at this but as girls I think we all tend to hold on to "cherished moments" like these. It's been sitting on my bedroom floor tucked under my desk and I have been considering just tossing the entire thing without even peering inside. Because I can't decide whether to go through it piece by piece for one more trip down memory lane or just to chuck it, it continues to sit there, undecided.

Since I'm getting ready to once again leave my home for awhile I've been doing some cleaning and rearranging and I've noticed a lot of memorabilia from my past relationships here and there. Photos from my first boyfriend and I's trip to the beach were discovered in the deep recesses of my nightstand for example. That's 11 years ago!

Part of moving on and continuing to blossom as a person means letting go of the past. Especially if the past did damage to us emotionally or hindered us in any way. And often letting go means really letting go - like getting rid of all the left over artifacts from a life and love that doesn't exist anymore. Sure, it's nice to hold on to things for the memories but these memories can often blur reality at the same time. In a "love bag" such as mine, we only hold on to the good memories and looking through such artifacts may make us question why things were ended in the first place. This can lead to us second guessing and doubting our decisions. Then perhaps, going backwards and back to him.

Believe me, when things come to an end, it's usually best to keep them that way and keep looking ahead.

So now it's your turn. When did you finally let go or have you let go yet? If you haven't, how do you think it would make you feel to erase or get rid of all memorabilia from your past relationships? Hopefully like me, it will make you feel empowered and resilient.

Now for that bag...

Yikes!

I relish the anonymity on this site as it allows me to share parts of my life that in most circumstances I, and those close to me, wouldn't feel comfortable sharing.

For example:

My brother is quite a private person. So I hope he understands that even though I am sharing this news about him to my readers that he still remains completely anonymous. Do any of you know who my brother is? His name? His whereabouts? Didn't think so. So to MDG's lovely brother, go easy on me! You know I couldn't keep it in any longer. You can beat me up later.

Here it goes...

This summer my brother went on an amazing bike ride around Europe while I was gallivanting around the U.S. by car. One of his stops was London, which he remained in for quite a long time, just around three weeks, which was a much longer visit than any other place he stopped by.

A snapshot of my brother's touring bike crossing into Italy, one the many countries he visited during his four month European exploration by bike.

Once he was back to the states I heard the news via my parents; my brother had a girlfriend. He met her this past year in college. She is a transfer student from London. Hmmm...the plot thickens...

That's it? You ask? So what!

Well besides my brother having a girlfriend, which is pretty big news in itself, it turns out this Londoner's family hails from none other than ... (drum roll please!) ... India! My brother is dating an Indian!

He kept the news from our family for quite some time, apparently a bit embarrassed what we all would think about it after my ordeal. I simply had to laugh at the irony of it all. The situation is a bit different from my own of course, as she was born and raised in London and therefore his experiences with her will be much different than mine with MIM.

But there you have it! The big news that might possible get me killed - or simply bruised up here and there from a sisterly/brotherly spat. It was well worth it. Perhaps he's willing to take over the running of this site now that "My Indian Love" pertains much more to him than me?

Dear Readers,

What you are about to read is a love story between Lijo John and Noreen. Their initial meeting is described in Noreen's own words. The personal letters that follow are real letters exchanged between the two after Lijo went on to break Noreen's heart by marrying an Indian woman to please his family. Because of full anonymity, (names have been changed), Noreen felt comfortable sharing such intimate details with readers. For her it was a helpful way to heal. Still, it is a tough decision to share your personal love life with the world. Because of this I ask you to please be respectable in your comments. I appreciate Noreen being so open and honest with her experiences. Perhaps it will help others on whatever path they may be on in love.

MDG

Read More→

I started My Indian Love as a personal relationship blog and even though my relationship with My Indian Love has ended, I put a lot of work into this site and still greatly enjoy blogging and hearing from readers. So the decision to keep it up and running was an easy one. But, to keep it exciting and new, I'm going to need your help!

I'm looking for personal stories to share as your very own blog posts. If you're open to sharing and looking to discuss with readers, contact me with your story and become a guest blogger!

I'm hoping My Indian Love can evolve into a unique one-stop blog where you can find and share relationship advice, shop for all your Indian goodies, and form a community in the forums. Though I will continue sharing my own personal stories when the feeling moves me, I really want this blog to function much on it's own and with enough reader's contributions, it could work! Let's do this!

Recently in the forums we got to discussing whether or not I would date another Indian if the opportunity ever arose. What started the conversation was me saying this:

As for me, I believe my experience with Indian relationships have come and gone. I'm not sure if I could go through it again. But India and all things Indian will always have a special place in my heart.

The responses got me to thinking and I thought the topic would make for a good blog post and further discussion.

I believe there are mostly two ways relationships with Indians begin:

There are those who first fall in love with India and due to this stumble on an Indian love, and then there are those who stumble upon an Indian and thus fall in love with India.

I fit in the latter. I never expected to meet and fall in love with MIM and I really never expected to have anything to do with India. (Isn't it great when life throws curve balls?) So now that it's finished, I find it hard to imagine starting all over again from square one with another Indian. I put so much blood, sweat, and tears into MIM and I's relationship that when it finally ended, all I felt was relief - to be honest.

I would like to clarify that our relationship wasn't bad. MIM was a great guy all the way and treated me wonderfully. But over time I couldn't see us evolving into husband and wife and our differences and small arguments here and there started to take a toll on us. In the end it simply became easier to walk away then to stay and fight what seemed like a losing battle. I'm sure a lot of you have been there: when enough is enough and walking away seems like the quickest way to renewed happiness for both involved.

When we first split I did think - man, I should just stick to Indians now that I've put so much work into learning  about their language, culture, food, and country - not to mention this website! But then I left for my six month contract on a ship and suddenly found myself with an American man who I started to share my time with.

Very quickly I realized how much I missed the ease of being with someone who "gets you" and whom you by default already share so much in common with. I realized how much I missed and yearned for similarities between two people.

I still reminisce and get wistful whenever I see Indians, especially cute Indian children, and just today while at the store I saw an Indian man/American woman couple with their three children. Perhaps in time these feelings will go away but, I spent so many years imagining myself with and Indian man and what our family would be like that I know this will take time to forget.

The short answer to the question will I ever date another Indian is: most likely not. As I said in the beginning of this post, I stumbled upon an Indian love and that led to my love of all things Indian. I wasn't looking for it and I'm still not. So chances are, no, it won't happen again. Of course in life I've learned to never say never!

Now I would love to hear from all of you! What made you date outside your culture/race and if it ended, have you or will you do it again?

Indian/Western relationship blogs are springing up all over the place these days and it's allowed me to take a peek into how other people have handled the stepping stones of their intercultural relationships.

I am more and more shocked when I read how early in the relationship some couples are jumping into marriage and children. As you know, MIM and I have been dating for 3 years. Others are engaged, married, or pregnant only months in.

Perhaps it is my past experiences with having months of infatuation only turn into a separation a year or two later, with me looking back and thinking thank God I didn't marry that man, that has me so taken aback at such speedy life-altering decisions.

But I'm not here to judge. In fact, I've just now started questioning if MIM and I made a mistake by not jumping into a marriage quicker. What's interesting to point out cultural wise is MIM's family and friends were always pushing a marriage from the very beginning where as my family and friends were hesitant and cautioning. A reader, "Bee", had said this in a recent comment:

I feel both you and your boyfriend are handling your relationship with a great sense of maturity and responsibility. It very encouraging and it is the way it should be, instead of rushing into commitment and realising later down the road that perhaps you have not made the right, informed choice and by that time your decision has affected and possibly hurt other people close to you i.e. your families, who love you dearly and want the best for you.

You can read the full conversation in the comments section of this post, MDG and MIM Update.

I usually would completely agree with Bee's statement. But now I've started questioning if MIM and I had married much earlier, what would have been different? He wouldn't have had to go back to school for a second master's just to stay in the U.S., that's for sure. Without having to go to school full time on top of teaching classes, perhaps he would have had more time to find a job, and by now we would be doing better in the financial area of our lives. With us being married and him on his way to a green card and citizenship, he wouldn't have had to only take the jobs that would agree to process an H1-visa. We would have also been able to move anywhere in the country, perhaps a place with a stronger job economy instead of this beat up old steel town we currently live in. And perhaps, we wouldn't be going through what we are now, because it's not just religion that's causing this break in our relationship, but that our struggles have gone on for way too long and I simply needed a break from it all.

Here is a secret not many people, including my parents, know about (until now!). MIM and I had gotten an engagement ring about seven months into our relationship. It was a cute, little $500 solitaire that we picked out together, and then I freaked out that it was too soon and we quickly returned it. Since then, we had planned to get a civil marriage at least twice, both times my parents were informed, and both times we both ultimately backed out.

Why? Well, we both have this image of how marriage is supposed to be, how a life together is supposed to be, and a quick civil marriage in a courtroom doesn't quite cut it. We also didn't want to jump into a marriage before we felt secure in our finances. And of course, we speculated too much on what others would think: "Did he marry her for a green card?"

Now I'm starting to wonder, are our fantasies of how things should be, or are "supposed" to be, holding us back? Would jumping into a marriage seven months in been better for us?

This whole "taking time apart" and "stepping back to reevaluate" process is bringing up a lot of questions and concerns. Not only about our relationship, but I'm also taking a long, hard, look at myself. My life feels very out of place. Very off course. Have I done it to myself? Would I have been married and on my way to being a mother if I didn't hesitate so much and wait for the fairy tale to come together just so?

Life's questions; they're never ending. But now I have questions for all of you:.

• How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?

• What were the reactions of those around you?

• What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?

• What do you think is better - a short courtship or a long one?

• Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?

Those of you who are not married please feel free to give your opinions on these questions. Or perhaps you know of a couple who did this or that, and can tell us how it worked out for them.

I'm looking forward to hearing from all of you.

Before ending this post, I want to remind you to get you and your loved ones photos in for the childhood memories post coming next Sunday!

MIM and I planned yesterday to be our day to meet up, to talk face to face, and have proper closer if need be. My friends and family didn't understand the whole "meeting in person for closure" idea, as they believe if something is over, it's over, and what good is meeting in person going to do?

I could understand their points of view but that didn't stop me from wanting to see MIM again. And in fact, after texting MIM, "Can we meet to talk?" and receiving a big, fat, capital letters "NO", I wasn't sure it was ever going to happen. But I don't give up that easily, and soon we made plans to meet at 4pm at his place, where we talked while taking a stroll through the nearby park where we've walked hand in hand many times before.

At the start, MIM was very stiff and wouldn't even look at me. It brought back memories of when we first met and he was too shy to hardly make eye contact with me. I did most of the talking at first, with uncomfortable silence coming from his end. I brought up the topics of whether we thought this could work or not, whether we wanted it to work or not, and asked if our differences were too great.

MIM finally responded that he believes our differences are too great and that he realizes he would be better off with an Indian girl after all, someone from his same background and culture. He said he is happy we dated though, as it helped him realize this. "And you can go back to dating white guys who understand your culture," he said.

Ok, fair enough, I thought, although I didn't quite believe he believed everything he was saying.

Still walking, I then brought up my blog which seemed a little off topic; "Do you think the blog affected us in anyway?" I asked. He didn't understand what I meant. "Well," I continued, "everyone's comments and suggestions, do you think they've affected how we think and react to each other at all?"

I brought this up not only because I thought I started noticing MIM's views on me as a white American woman were tending to sound similar to certain hurtful blog comments, but also because of a film I recently watched titled We Live in Public, where a relationship was filmed and broadcast online 24/7 that ultimately led to when the couple argued, instead of working things out between each other ran to their prospective computers to see what the readers had to say about the fight. The couple then began reacting to each other after being influenced by the fan's viewpoints instead of what they personally may have felt in their own hearts. To say the least, the concept freaked me out a little and I started to question if this blog could have affected MIM and I negatively in any way as well.

MIM didn't think this to be true between us, but I still can't help but question if we'd be better off going back to complete anonymity. I'm considering saying goodbye to this blog and closing this chapter of my life. It's been an amazing experience, I've met some wonderful people through it, and I've greatly enjoyed the process of writing, taking photos, posting, and reading what you all have to say. But I don't want it to have any negative affects on MIM and I, and I'd like to go back to a day where we didn't always reference the blog in conversation and what "he or she said". I'm still sorting it out within me.

So, did we get our closure? Well, sort of, and in a funny, ironic way too. As the walk and talk continued on, we grew more comfortable with each other and ended up not wanting to part, so we didn't. Instead, we went to the movie theatre and watched The Social Network, a movie about the founders of facebook. As we were heading home from the theatre, MIM says sarcastically, "our relationship began and ended with facebook."

I laughed. He's right. I guess it did.

MIM and I still love each other a lot. We know this by after 3 years together still having to tear ourselves away from each other. But we're also trying to be smart about our relationship and look ahead into the future and all the possible hardships we may have to come across. Is it a good idea to continue?

What we've decided for now is to go our separate ways, but as two people who really care about the other, and to simply see what fate has in store for us. I am leaving for the cruise ship November 15th. He has a year of grad school left. We'll both be keeping busy. At the end of the year perhaps he'll find a job, and I'll have a good amount of money saved up from the ship, and we could begin a life together, actually moving forward instead of being as stagnant as we have been. Until then, MDG and MIM are taking different paths.

Even though we hadn't spoken in a month, and then it took a while to warm up to each other when we did finally meet, and although we ultimately decided to part, it was so sweet when he whispered in my ear at the end of the night: "don't go."

I didn't.