You only get one life, live it or at least die trying.

My parents gave me many gifts as well, life, the best education, principle, morals and laurels. They taught me to be strong, to face adversity and not shy away. The gave me the tools to be a better person than themselves. That was their many gifts to me, and I do not squander them. I will not. I will protect and use them to defend injustice, even when it lies in my home. Even when the offenders are my parents.

Paying respect and honour to your parents does not mean following their every command even if it goes against your principles. Paying respect and honouring them means standing up for what is right, what is just, and finding the courage and strength to do the right thing despite the difficulties and challenges ahead. It means being the best person we could possible be, being better than our parents. And hopefully, our children will follow and be even better than us.

Well if you can’t hope and dream, then you can only be sad and sorrowful. I pity you. I really do.

I do hope everything works out for you. I hope all your prayers, hopes and dreams come true. I hope your story will have a better ending than mine.

You remind me so much of myself. Your words are full of love, happiness and sadness, just like mine. You heart is so open, so accepting, so loving, just like mine. The risk you are willing to take, are taking, I’ve taken it. I too dove into the deep sea of vulnerability in hopes of finding ever lasting love. The problem is, what I found there was not ever lasting love, but purgatory. I could not sink, I could not swim, I was stuck. I was stuck waiting for him to decide. I wasn’t even asking him for marriage. I wasn’t even asking him for a ring. I was asking for the possibility – the chance to dream. And even to this day he cannot/will not give me an answer.

So I walked away. I decided no more. The waters of purgatory were eating away at my core. Tearing away at my self-esteem. I questioned my self-worth, wondered what I was doing wrong, wondered what I could do to change. It affected our relationship. Created tension and animosity. I knew the animosity would eventually turn to resentment, so I walked away. I decided that my soul, my self-esteem, my person could take no more. What would have been the point of staying? Even if we made to end, we would have been too broken to even enjoy it.

Some would say I didn’t love enough, some would say I wasn’t strong enough, some would even question the love altogether, but the reality is that we must always remember that until you speak those sacred vows you must always love YOURSELF first, because no one else will.

So take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember that while you love and wish to support him, this is not your fight. It is HIS and his’ ALONE.

Also remember that there is no shame or blame in caring for yourself first. If you soul can bear no more, walkaway with love, and let fate do the rest.

You are worth, and deserving of everything your heart desire! We all are!

the jury is still out in my case, as I am able to experience such states of devotion and happiness with my man still. He is still working it out within himself. He never did any thing much that wasnt expected from him before, and why would he want to make his already depressed and sad mom more sad… i can see it both ways.

But I will tell you the truth… the bare naked truth that I think I wont even say to him so boldly. I really do want him, as my partner, in this life. I would help him with his mother and father, if they wouldnt have me killed of course, or die at the sight of my old, american, divorced self…. I just do wish he would decide to stay with me, but I cant sway him, or beg him and all … if he wants to stay with me it really has to come from him.

Sometimes, like today, after such a great MahaShivartri together, I feel that its possible that he will choose to just stay with me. I wish he wouldnt be able to leave cuz he would Love me so much. Its gotten to the point where neither he or I like to talk about this stuff at all, cuz we can be having a great time, then if we discuss, i will feel angry, or sad, or totally ill and have to go to bed. So, now we avoid it…if it comes up we do our best to reassure each other, and move away from the topic as soon as possible. It is utterly crippling at times.

Mostly, I have decided I will feel better if I honor My heart and give the love I have to give, and leave the rest to him. Will he honor that love, or not mind nearly destroying my heart….. That will remain to be seen in the fullness of time.
I never liked gambling, but here I am throwing the dice~ crossing my fingers and praying Deeply…..

Do not blame yourselves for the situation, do not make excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

We are all born with free will. We are all born with the ability to make choices. Sometimes we make bad ones, right ones and even ones that can’t really fall on either side of the fence. The point is we have the right to choose what we want for ourselves.

Sometimes, most of the time, this free will comes at a price, a consequence if you will. In some countries the price is death, others upset friends and family, financial cost, the list goes on. But everyday you, myself and many other millions of people around the world wake up and make choices, knowing full well there will be consequences, good or bad, but we make them anyways, because we hope that at the end of it all “the risk would be worth the reward”.

Let me clarify, I too chose to be in a relationship with an Indian. I knew full well that there would come a time where he would have to pick his family over me. I decided that the risk was worth the reward – a future together forever.

Problem isn’t that you/I are not good enough, or loveable enough, or sweet enough. The problem is that while you/I decided that risking are hearts for him was worth it, he decided risking his mother’s heart on HIM wasn’t worth it. He had decided that her happiness was/is more important than even his OWN. This is his choice, one that he will have to live with.

But you, you can decide differently. I have.

You can decide to be HAPPY! We all can!

We just have to allow it!

thanks for this post.

but over the years and with the men i have met and the ones i have dated and even the 2 i have been engaged to….and the mothers had literal fits! threatening to die from depression and more….

I doubt myself, I think maybe Im not loveable…
and I do see that I have many undesirable traits which might make anyone flee….
but then i have to remember at the end of the day

what is really pulling the strings of the puppets we call human beings in this mess of my east west dating problems is : Racism
and in my case: Ageism…

Thanks for helping me to remember a balanced view of my (chosen) plight…
i chose this, so i know im not the victim here…
just taking stock of the elements, and cant miss the Blatant Racism which is allowed to pass for culture in “modern” , “democratic” india!

noreen, im sorry this happen to you, but don’t be sad…… trust me , it was the best thing ever that could have happen to you. this guy seems really fake to me. he exaggerates too much. i know indian guys, they are the type to say “i love you” on the first date.. the words don’t mean anything to them.

i dont know if you want to believe me or not… but this is the truth: he didn’t marry the indian woman because he wanted to please his family, he married the indian women because he wanted a slave.

he is a grown man and he can make his own decisions. if he loved you , then he would have married you. “my parents wouldn’t allow me” is just a silly excuse. indian parents are not THAT bad. so his parents might be upset , but once you have children , they will get over it and you will be a normal happy family , trust me .

if an indian girl wants to marry a white guy , she could be disowned or even in s ome muslim famlies, there are horrible honor killings. then if the indian girl and white guy gets divorce, no indian guy will marry her after that. but indian guys doesn’t have to worry about these problems.

he had nothing to lose by marrying you …. if he really loved you he would have married. but thing is , he wanted a obedient slave . these indian guys will not even consider marrying an indian girl who is raised in the west because she is too westernized.. they want virgin, innocent, submissive, obedient, slave . even though they are not virgin themselves, they want to date and have fun with western girls, tell them sweet lines, pretend to love , break their breaks and then marry indian girl. some indian guys think that white girls are easy because of bollywood movies.

you should be really happy that this guy didn’t marry you. indian culture is very different. if you married him, he might be nice for a few years but then this true personality will come out. in india, little boys know that they are “better” and “more important” than girls at a young age… they are treated like little gods by everyone including their mothers who spoil them rotten. in india, men are openly proud of their masculinity.

in hindu culture, the husband is literally a god to his wife.
we can’t call them by their names.
we have to do all the cooking and cleaning, indian men will expect it, because their mothers did that .
we fast for their health and success on karwa chauth, but why don’t they fast for us too?

these are just two example in my mind (but there are hundreds):
a few days ago, i was watching an indian serial tv program, the husband and wife were arguing , the husband slapped the wife.. guess what the wife said? “thank you”. i’m serious, she said thank you for making me come to my senses. and none of the women who were in the room (including my mom, two of my aunt, my cousin ) found anythign strange about that scene..

then a bad memory from when i was a child. when we were kids , me and my cousins used to go to my grandma’s house in the village during the school hoidays. it was the middle of summer and very very hot in india . there was one tiny ceiling fan in the bedroom so me and my girl cousins would sit under the fan and play cards. we get a little bit of air. then my boy cousin came and pushed us off the bed and lied down there stretched his arms and legs out like a starfish under the fan. i was upset so i called my grandma and guess what ? my grandma got angry with me, she said “dont you girls have any shame? playing games and sitting under the fan? come and help in the kitchen” then the rest of the day we had to peel vegetables while my boy cousin was lieing under the fan watching tv.

the thing that indian men want most is blind loyalty. he can do anything and she has to put up with it. even if she has the courage to leave, her parents and family will pressure her into staying in the marriage. from when we are little girls we are told to “adjust” (a very “feminine ” slave quality ) which basically means your feeling doesn’t matter, even if you don’t like it, you have to “adjust” to your husband.

so that is indian culture for you. obviously not every single family is like that… it depends on wealth, education , religion, etc. but even the richest, most educated , non relgious progressive indian is more sexist than the average white man.

so my advice to you, is to forget about this lijo guy. be really happy that you didn’t marry him. at least , you broke up before marriage, instead of wasting your good years on him .

i think if you like indian culture and indian men, you should marry an indian man who was BORN AND RAISED IN THE WEST …… then he would be more compatible with you …. wish you all the best in life sister

noreen, im sorry this happen to you, but don’t be sad…… trust me , it was the best thing ever that could have happen to you. this guy seems really fake to me. he exaggerates too much. i know indian guys, they are the type to say “i love you” on the first date.. the words don’t mean anything to them.

i dont know if you want to believe me or not… but this is the truth: he didn’t marry the indian woman because he wanted to please his family, he married the indian women because he wanted a slave.

he is a grown man and he can make his own decisions. if he loved you , then he would have married you. “my parents wouldn’t allow me” is just a silly excuse. indian guys are too coward to break up properly. you know, indian parents are not THAT bad. so his parents might be upset , but once you have children , they will get over it and you will be a normal happy family .

if an indian girl wants to marry a white guy , she could be disowned or even in s ome muslim famlies, there are horrible honor killings. then if the indian girl and white guy gets divorce, no indian guy will marry her after that. but indian guys doesn’t have to worry about these problems. theres a very nice double standard for them.

he had nothing to lose by marrying you …. if he really loved you he would have married. but thing is , he wanted a obedient slave . these indian guys will not even consider marrying an indian girl who is raised in the west because she is too westernized.. they want virgin, innocent, submissive, obedient, slave . even though they are not virgin themselves, they want to date and have fun with western girls, tell them sweet lines, pretend to love , break their breaks and then marry indian girl. some indian guys think that white girls are easy because of bollywood movies.

you should be really happy that this guy didn’t marry you. indian culture is very different. if you married him, he might be nice for a few years but then this true personality will come out. in india, little boys know that they are “better” and “more important” than girls at a young age… they are treated like little gods by everyone including their mothers who spoil them rotten. in india, men are openly proud of their masculinity.

in hindu culture, the husband is literally a god to his wife.
we can’t call them by their names.
we have to do all the cooking and cleaning, indian men will expect it, because their mothers did that .
we fast for their health and success on karwa chauth, but why don’t they fast for us too?

these are just two example in my mind (but there are hundreds more ):
a few days ago, i was watching an indian tv show, the husband and wife were arguing , the husband slapped the wife.. guess what the wife said? “thank you”. i’m serious, she said thank you for making me come to my senses. and none of the women who were in the room (including my mom, two aunties, my cousin ) found anythign strange about that scene..

then a bad memory from when i was a child. when we were kids , me and my cousins used to go to my grandma’s house in the village during the school hoidays. it was the middle of summer and very very hot in india . there was one tiny ceiling fan in the bedroom so me and my girl cousins would sit under the fan and play cards. we get a little bit of air. then one day my boy cousin came and pushed us off the bed and lied down there stretched his arms and legs out like a starfish under the fan. i was upset so i called my grandma and guess what ? my grandma got angry with me, she said “dont you girls have any shame? playing games and sitting under the fan? come and help in the kitchen” then the rest of the day we had to peel vegetables while my boy cousin was lieing under the fan watching tv.

the thing that indian men want most is blind loyalty. he can do anything and she has to put up with it. even if she has the courage to leave, her parents and family will pressure her into staying in the marriage. from when we are little girls we are told to “adjust” (a very “feminine ” slave quality ) which basically means your feelings doesn’t matter, even if you don’t like it, you have to “adjust” to your husband. see how many indian grooms ask for “adjusting” wives in matrimonal ads.

so that is indian culture for you. obviously not every single family is like that… it depends on wealth, education , religion, etc. but even the richest, most educated , non relgious progressive indian is more sexist than the average white man.

so my advice to you, is to forget about this lijo guy. be really happy that you didn’t marry him. at least , you broke up before marriage, instead of wasting your good years on him .

i think if you like indian culture and indian men, you should marry an indian man who was BORN AND RAISED IN THE WEST …… then he would be more compatible with you …. wish you all the best in life sister