Indian boyfriend does not say I Love You | Advice - Relationships | Forum

Hi Maggie,

I am an Indian guy, living for several years in the US. Since I do not know him personally, my advice is based on
guesswork and how I would have behaved in similar circumstances.

My advice is going is to be something like a brother would give to his younger sister and has her best interests at heart.

Giving this only from my point of view (I am Hindu ).

From your post it looks like your relationship is positive.
India has various ethncities/religions/castes , that were kept seperated due to the rigid Hindu
caste system as well as the strict catholic church.
Even different Hindus belong to different ethnicities.
Because of this, people from different part of India have different customs.
Since you did not mention where he came from(in India),
my advice is just based on a lot of guesswork.

For me it is more important to show my GF that I love her ( by being most affectionate, truthful, caring, respectful,

 showing empathy, etc.) rather than say that I love her. Similarly, if she says 'I love you' everyday , but never shows

 'love or caring', words her will sound like lies and insincere.
It is more important for me to show my GF that she is the most special person rather than tell her that. 

Words are free and politicians use them all the time without meaning them..

However, it is always better to say it at least once in a while ( some Indian couples say this to each-other everyday).
This is a kind of assurance and makes the partner feel special.

My guess is that your BF is just being too shy or he does not want to say the obvious.
If you have not said that you love him, he may think that maybe its not the right time.
 (except when he formally proposes). 

Pros:

1)His parents suggested marriage - this is a positive sign (either he convinced them how right you were you for him or how
he 'could not live without you' or maybe they they did not need any convincing). The family background
is very important.

2) You both being a christian is very good.
I have known a lot of Indian man - American White women, Indian man -Japanese woman , 

or Indian men-European (especially Russian/Polish) women-
common factor was that most of them were older (29+) and had similar educational status(both highly educated)  -
and they have been quite successful in marriage (married for several years(>10) , have kids etc, get along well).

Based on experience of friends,  Hindu-Christian relations work even the hindu is a very orthodox but they do
not work if the woman is a very religious(orthodox).
This observation can be logically explained  by reading the Bhagwat-Gita and Bible but it is irrelevant in your case.

Caution:
1) Just make sure that this marriage is purely due to emotional love - it should have nothing have with green card etc.
    You mentioned he has been in the US for only 5 years. It took me 6 years to get green card that my ex-employer
    sponsored. I have heard that it takes longer now. Please, please make sure that his love towards you is sincere
    (do not do this in a way that could offend him and hence cause a strain on your relation).

2)   Also, the relation should be based on 'emotional love' rather than him only being interested in the physical
   part of it(I am really sorry, I know it is very personal but I thought this was a very important point. )

2) Does he give you a 'I love you' card on Valentine's etc ?If not, that is strange. Even couples in India (mostly Hindu)
 do this (although Valentine's day is more of Christian tradition). What if you give valentine's card with 'I love you'
   Does he reciprocate?

3) Does he sign off his emails with words like 'love you', or love ,[hisname]. This is popular alternative for couples
    of Indian culture who are shy and cannot say it on the face.

4) If only his parents brought up the issue of marriage and not him, I would be concerned. Better talk to him directly
about marriage.

5)If his parents have called you(directly) from India, several times , that should be considered as a good sign.
  It is very common in India to 'find excuses'(in a loving way) :-) , to talk to a future DIL.

Steps:

1) Try saying 'I love you' to him and see how he responds. If he says 'thanks', then it is not a good sign.

2) Did you ask him why he has not said that? - my guess is that he may reply with something similar to:
' but you should already know that. why do you have any doubts?'.

3) Tell him that the fact that he has not said 'I love you' is hurting you.
Maybe he does not understand this.

In summary, not saying 'I love you' everyday is not entirely strange.
However in intimate moments (like kissing, emotional emails/dialogs/letters/greetings, etc.) it is VERY strange
if he has not said 'love you' at least once -  Very strange - even in Indian culture.
Best bet is to approach the situation directly(but not in any way that would spoil your good relationship)
i.e. do not argue with him just be diplomatic when you ask him.

I just sincerely hope that you find happiness.

Best Wishes!

It is really very strange that he has not used the 'love' word at all - as if it does not exist in his dictionary.
I don't know if he does not feel ready for marriage yet ( and hence delaying the 'love' part).
Even if he wants to delay marriage, saying 'I love you' is perfectly fine.

About the timeline he gave for the citizenship eligibility confused me a bit. After getting GC through the employer,
one has to wait 5 years before even being eligible to apply for US citizenship. If he said that he will be
 applying for citizenship in 2013,
then it would mean that he already got his greencard in 2008. In any case, it is obvious that his employer
is sponsoring him
so your relationship has nothing to do with the immigration (as you said).

Thinking from a cultural point of view I can see a why he would want to delay the marriage a bit. I dont know if
that is the reason in your boyfriend's case.
A male friend (Indian Hindu) fell in love with a female American classmate(Christian Caucasian) in grad school
 (final year). They dated for about 4 years before getting married. Now they are happily married and get
along very well and both parents (his and hers) are happy too.
    The delay in marriage came from his side. They were engaged for 3 years and lived together for 3 years
 before getting    married. The reason for the delay was that he wanted to get the greencard that was being
sponsored by his employer.

   His logic (in his own words) was that "no relatives from his Indian side should ever get the opportunity to
insult their sacred bond by saying that he married her for greencard and not for true love".
 He knew that any taunts like this would hurt both of them (and also their children in the future).
 Culturally, such taunts are not uncommon in asian(especially Indian) culture.
An Indian friend (a doctor) married a French lady (she is also a doctor).
 Both were on visa at that time.
So she did not have US citizenship and so there was no immigration benefit .
In spite of her being a non-American(French), I still hear some Indian 'Aunties' gossiping
that he married her for greencard!! That is so absurd.
They have been married for more that 6 years and some people(Indian) still ask him,
in her presence ' so, did get you a Greencard because of her?'. It is like
asking a woman ' did you marry your husband for money?' even though money has nothing to do with their marriage.
 Imagine how much it must hurt.

However, I can really empathize with you and understand why you are hurting.
The valentine's day card is a good idea - you can also send a card via email (without any occasion).
Did you ever confide is someone close to him about this? (for example: his mother or sister)
They might be able to understand you better. Maybe he just does not understand. 

In general, your situation looks very ideal.  Thinking from my perspective, if I were in such a situation, I would
have told her that I love her many times and would also discuss marriage with her. It is not easy to find an Ideal
partner. Some times indirect questions like 'whom do you love most?' work well. For example he might answer:
my mom, my dad, etc.. And you could keep asking 'who else?' after every question until he shyly says 'you'.

The other alternative and very effective(that many shy Indian couples use ) is to ask the partner to
dedicate a bollywood(hindi) song from youtube to them. And they dedicate one to their partner in return.
Most of these are love songs - others are not. It seems to work very well even with Indian-non-Indian couples
- based on experience ;-)

Some have funny dance sequences (making them very light hearted)

Examples of some hindi love songs,ALL with english subs:(unfortunately, the
translations are not that accurate and do not do justice to the beauty of the real lyrics)

(The first two are songs between an Indian man(Hrithik Roshan ) and a Mexian-Uruguayan woman(Barbara mori))
1)

(why does my heart exalt in rapture and wander only towards you)

2)
 ( For you I will wait for eternity)

3)
  (there is no one else like you)

4)



(how can I tell that I love you)

5)
 

(tell me that you love me)

6)

(Moon and the stars are old,a new flower has bloomed and I have fallen in love with her....even without makeup she looks
as pretty as a bride -:) )

7) 

(Man singing to his wife: I see God in you (metaphorically))

8) 
{why do people fall in love - it is useless - debate song ;-)]

[There are many more and better ones than these ]

Hope things work out for you and he realizes his mistake of not using the simple yet powerful word 'love'.

It's a cultural thing. My husband only says it when he is in trouble or is cuddling. :) but he shows me he loves me in many ways:)

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