My Indian Man likes to tease me sometimes by saying I'm his "Holiday in Goa". To this I just laugh and roll my eyes. I know I'm not, so he can tease all he wants. Goa is a popular vacation spot located on the west coast of India. It attracts hundreds of thousands of both international and domestic tourists each year. I first heard of it and the concept of having a holiday in Goa in a movie I watched with my Indian Man titled Outsourced.
To have a holiday in Goa is to have a love affair before one enters their arranged marriage. If you're not in a relationship with an Indian man or a man that is expected to have an arranged marriage, you may be wondering how this pertains to you.
My fellow women, it pertains to us all! You don't want to be your man's holiday in Goa, do you? You don't want to be putting your heart and soul into a relationship in which he's already seen the end beyond the horizon - do you? When I first met my Indian Man, we were exchanging a series of emails. I learned from these emails that he had a very traditional upbringing and that he was not against having an arranged marriage. So how can I be sure that when he teases me about being his holiday in Goa that it really is just that - a tease?
My answer for you is that my Indian Man has been extremely open and honest with me from the very beginning. He has created a net around our love filled with trust. Surprisingly there are no holes in this net. Not one single hole to let one bit of trust escape. You may be wondering how I can be so sure about his honesty. He's proved it by example, examples that are continuous in their nature.
Trust is one of those things that when it is lost between a couple very rarely ever comes back again the same. I'm not suggesting if you caught your man in a lie that the relationship is doomed, but I am saying I bet you will never feel the same way as you did about him again. This is a sad moment in a relationship, the heart never recovers. And my heart breaks for those of you who are dealing with mistrust in your relationship on a daily basis. I have gone through this, I know many friends who have gone or are currently going through this, and I am here to tell you that you deserve better.
If you are more than just a holiday in Goa to your man, all the signs will be there. Below are my opinion of 10, but the list could go on and on.
- Speaking of lists, you will be first on his. 'Nuff said. --But never take advantage of this.
- You won't be something on the side, or a "booty call". And every woman knows deep down when we are exactly this. Remember, a woman's intuition is a true thing! Listen to it. Act upon it.
- Every one of his friends will know who you are and what you mean to him. And because they value their friendship with your man, you will be respected in their presence.
- He will value time spent with you and the memories you made. Perhaps you'll start to notice his collection and safe keeping of items and remembrances that you two have done together.
- He'll want to take pictures of you and him together. If he has facebook or another networking account, he'll upload them for all to see. (Of course, in the beginning of our relationship, there were certain friends and family members My Indian Man felt he needed to wait and explain our relationship properly to.) I completely understood his reasoning for this.
- He will be open to talking about the future with you. In fact, he may be the first to bring up the conversation! My Indian Man never suffered convulsions at the mere mentioning of marriage and children. From the very beginning, we expressed our desires for both. So if you know your man wants these things, but hesitates to talk about it with you, you may be his holiday in Goa.
- He will listen to you. Even when you're rambling. I am always amazed by how intently My Indian Man listens to me. We spent 7 months apart and during that entire period we had to maintain our relationship through the telephone. If there were other things he had rather been doing than talking to me about my day, he never showed it. He held on to every word and responded justly.
- He won't be dating (or married to) anyone else. This one may seem silly, but you might be surprised how often us women will wait around for a man while he works on "ending" his relationship with another woman. If your man isn't choosing you and only you, he doesn't love you. You are his holiday in Goa.
- He'll start to love the things you love. My Indian Man didn't have a liking towards dogs when he first met me. In India, dogs are rascals. They can be unclean and dangerous. They annoy you with their constant barking. You have to chase them away with a stick or throw rocks at them to get them off your property. Well guess what? I have two dogs. My Indian Man was fearful of them at first. He was unaccustomed to petting them and feeding them and taking them for car rids. But now it is second nature to him. He loves them because I love them. He could have refused to have them anywhere near him. But, out of respect for me, he didn't do this.
- He'll do things for you. And not because he only wants to win back your heart after breaking it with a sledge hammer. I know plenty of women who have men that buy them expensive items, take them out to fancy dinners, show up at their door with flowers or a morning coffee and even take them on an all-expense paid vacations. All of this nonsense when what the woman really desires is his trust and commitment. When I say he will do things for you, I mean simple every day things. Kind gestures. Things that require no expense. Don't be with your man because he does things for you. Be with your man because he's there for you.
And may I throw in one last thing while it is on my mind? Your man will speak nicely to you. So many women, myself included, have been and are being verbally abused in relationships. A man who truly loves, respects, and cares for you and can imagine a future with you, will never use disgusting and hateful words directed at you. He will never fathom calling you such things behind your back, either.
If you feel that you could be your man's holiday in Goa, there are two things you can do right now. You can continue to go on making excuses for your man and hurting yourself in the process, or you can see renewal beyond the horizon, and run for it...run as fast as you can!
This “Holiday in Goa” concept is interesting and I’ve seen plenty of such “holidays” happening, not just in Goa but other parts of India as well. There’s an added perspective to it in India when the fling involves an Indian guy and a white girl. These poor white girls often end up falling for the guys, who don’t take the relationship seriously at all. Some couples do end up getting married, but it’s because the Indian guy see the girl as a ticket out of India. It’s really quite sad. These girls just seem to be blind to it too. They need the checklist!!! It’s a really good checklist by the way.
I agree with you, Sharell. I guess all girls want to believe we are not being used for a ticket out of India (or the like) and so many will overlook all the warning signs. The checklist was made almost completely from experiences with My Indian Man and the way he has treated me which leads me to believe he’s not in it simply for citizenship. There were many people (or should I use ARE many people) around me that question whether MIM is in it for all the right reasons. It’s hard to know what to say to the naysayers to convince them. How do you prove someone’s love for you to others? I just don’t try anymore. Did you have some of the same responses from your friends and/or family?
I am interested in that you have seen first hand these things happening. Many of MIM’s Indian and Pakistani friends here do date white girls, but are planning to go through with the arranged marriages their family will ultimately have planned for them.
Even if part of the reason he is with you is because of the green card or whatever, that’s not the ONLY reason.
Also, over here people mary for “love” and “romance” and the “soul mate myth” and a few years later divorce.
Better to marry someone from a stable culture (family oriented) for practical reasons and let the love and excitement deepen over time rather than marry due to hormones and endorphins and then divorce when those chemicals stabalize. LOL.
hello. i dont know what to say with the list.. apparently, all the things (10 things) that you’ve mentioned were done to me – met the Indian family, etc. But unfortunately, after 4yrs and 3mos, my Indian ex bf and I broke up. All of a sudden, the family wants him to follow the Indian tradition of arranged marriage.
i wish you all the luck and i hope what happened to me will not happen to you guys.. 4 yrs is 4 yrs and it aint easy.
Wow Kristin! I am pretty much speechless after reading your comment. First, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You must have been/perhaps still be so heartbroken and feeling very betrayed. I would have been! This is definitely a fear that never leaves my mind. I’m sure just as I trust My Indian Man you trusted yours the same, and you never imagined such an ending to 4 yrs -after everything seemed to be going right. What usually gets me through times like these is to remind myself everything has its reason and purpose, and your true love is still out there. Thinking that way always carries me forward. What you experienced in those 4 years with your Indian Man will always be with you, but new love and adventure awaits! I think your Indian Man should feel ashamed, and possibly he is, but ultimately he chose the happiness of his family over his own. That’s too bad for him. I wish the best for you!
I was watching “Outsourced” yesterday (cut me some slack, its like 95 out, I am once again unemployed and my bf doesn’t have cable so I need to watch my netflix instant queue.)
They brought up holiday in goa, they indian female lead fell in love with the white american male but told him he was just her holiday in goa because she’s been engaged since she was 4, all i could think of was this article. and btw, Outsourced is not a bad movie, you might want to check it out.
Jubeee, that’s where I got the idea from! Read the first paragraph again
I thought it was a very well done movie.
This happened to me and it broke my heart. He persued me for months, and I was hesitant, then I finally caved and went on a date with him. He made me fall in love with him, all the while knowing he was having an arranged marraige. I told him from the get go that I had been heartbroken before and could not do it again. I asked him directly about how his family felt about marraige, he lied about it all. He went to visit his family in india and I found out from his friend that he was getting married. I work with him and the webcast of his wedding was sent to most of the indian people in the office. I had to sit by and watch in horror as it happened. He still says he loves me, and he can’t stand to see me talking to any other man, many other things, but it killed me. How could someone do that to someone else. I am a sweet, smart, beautiful girl, and I never thought this could happen to me. I feel like a fool! I am still so heartbroken and I have to see him every day at work! It does happen!
Thank you for sharing your story, Blondie. Yes, sadly it does happen in all kinds of relationships, not just between Indian and Americans. I have a best friend who was dating a white guy who literally was engaged the entire time and then married his fiance – all completely behind her back AND they worked together too!! It’s too bad this happened to you. I can only imagine your pain. But in time, your heart will be healed! What a horrible jerk. I’m so sorry. He must have caved into the pressures from home, or knew all along this was going to be how it ended and didn’t care about your feelings one bit. You were too good for him obviously!
I’m in a situation where I lost the trust in my Indian man kind of early in the relationship. He portrayed himself to be a man that made his own decisions about life and lived how he wanted to live. We had an amazing connection and feel very deep in love very quick. We lived together for a year, he had a job offer that would have moved him out of state and he asked me if I would go with him, which I said yes. Only a short time after this talk did I start to realize that his family had no clue about our relationship. It was such a secret that every time they came in town I would pack and move all my belongings out of the house until they were gone. When they would come for a visit it would obviously make me sad because I felt that maybe I wasn’t good enough for them to meet. So it would start a conversation about where we really stood with his family. Every time these talks would happen I’d hear more reasons why it just wasn’t possible for them to know. He would tell me things like they would disown him for dating someone against their wishes and how they will judge me for things that he does not. SO I would sympathetically understand and always go into hiding every time they came to visit (they live out of state) I was very much in love with this man and thought as long as we were happy and growing then it would eventually work itself out. Then I caught him in a bad situation when his family came for a visit and I ran into them, not only was his family here but his “best friend” who happens to be his ex was here as well. He neglected to tell me about her coming in town. His family is very close friends with his ex (funny thing is they all disliked her when he was dating her, then when they broke up they all like her. She lives in the same town with his family) so there I was, shocked to say the least, seeing her in town. I gracefully introduced myself as a friend of his and proceeded to have my heart shatter. He later had the nerve to get mad at me and say he didn’t have to tell me she was coming in town. He doesn’t owe me an explanation. I felt he did. When you share your life with someone and live together I think it should be very basic knowledge that you tell your partner exactly who is coming to visit. What iced the cake even more was the fact that 2 times he told me his “friend” knew about our relationship but would never tell his family out of respect of him. Because “she knows what would happen” I have sense learned this too was lie. She has no idea that we have been dating. This is just a few of the “communication breakdowns” we’ve shared. There have been a few worse then what I already told you about. I guess what I’m searching for in all of this mess is, I truly believe my BF is a god man, I think he is extremely conflicted with the American ways that he likes to live vs. the ways of his culture and his strict views of his parents. He respects them very much bit he realizes his parent and him have very different view on how he wants to live his life. He wants to make them happy, but it would mean giving up things that make him very happy. It’s a vicious cycle. I do believe that the things he has done to me were not intentional to hurt me; he has a serious issue with conflict and will avoid it like a cat with water. I do not excuse what he has done but I have time and time again taken the higher road and decided to see past his immaturity. He knows his actions were wrong but he doesn’t always say it in the humble of ways. Is there at all a possible chance that if he continues to stay in this relationship it is because he really does want to be here and he’s just waiting as he says he is to figure out what to do with his family. Or is he wanting his cake and eating it too? Without knowing him I know it would be hard to tell but would a Indian man (also a doctor) waste his time entertaining the idea of our possible future if he really knew it wasn’t a possibility? The carefree man I met is not the man I know today. He is in constant need of reassurance that he is in the best of light with everyone he knows. We work together; we spend 90% of all of our time together. Yet no one at work can “officially” know about us even though a majority does. None of his friends from out of town know about us, his family obviously doesn’t know about us. The only people who know about us is us and the few friends that we have here locally and my family. I’m very lost and feel very defeated. I’m not sure what to think or do about us…..I would love any advice you have.
Hi GSA and thank you for sharing your story. You may not like to hear what I have to say, but I wouldn’t bother with this relationship any longer. Relationships are supposed to make you feel good about yourself. I wouldn’t stick around in a relationship were I felt jealous or hurt or lied to. From how your boyfriend sounds and his fear towards his parents knowing, I could totally see him having an arranged marriage behind your back. Do you want to be around to experience that pain? Hold your head up high and get out. There’s someone out there that will love you so much he won’t want to keep it a secret from anybody.
MDG how long was it before MIM told his mother about you? I feel like I am in a similar circumstance to GSA right now. My bf’s family came to visit him from Pak last week and will be staying through mid-november. I had to take all of my possessions from his place because they can’t know I spend the night. Then last night I sort of pushed him to admit what his parents know about me. He said they knew he was going to meet me but only know I exist as “a friend” because they can’t comprehend what dating is.
I understand where you’re getting at jubeee. Yes, it took some time for MIM to tell his parents about me, but he also didn’t have me move in with him to another state away from my friends and family, and still expected to keep me a secret. Do tell, GSA, where in the world do you go when you have to take all your belongings and go into hiding? I never had this problem because MIM’s parents still live in India. On top of that, I never FULLY moved in with MIM. I think if a man is grown up enough to ask you to move in with him then he should be ready to tell his family what is going on. Seems like he DID just want to have his cake and eat it too – at your expense.
ON TOP of this, he brings his ex-girlfriend to their HOME! How many of you would stand for that? NOT I. He has an issue with conflict so he finds lying the best possible solution? RUN. Don’t know why I feel so strongly about this one. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Yes, its true I never moved in with A, I had to collect my toiletries, a pair of flip flops and all my DVDs, I don’t think I would be able to leave where I live for my bf to hide our relationship…
MDG, Thank you for your response. I appreciate your honesty; you didn’t say anything that hasn’t already crossed my mind or come out of my family and friends mouth a time or two. To start with, my family lives in the same town as us. So I would just go stay with my parents. I never 100% moved in, he always wanted me there but I never paid portions of the rent. I bought all the groceries, cleaning supplies (because I was the one who did all the cleaning) and all the laundry. I understood how his culture doesn’t approve of living with someone before you’re married, so I really did understand why I needed to leave every time they came in town. Where I always took issue was why he would act as if I didn’t exist when they were here. If I could describe it, it was almost as if he was an adult when it’s just me and him but when his family was here he turns into this little boy scared of his mom and dad and basically does any and everything to gain their approval while in their presence. I am very close with my parents but I am not going to jump through 10 hoops to make them happy if it doesn’t make me happy at the same time. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. My parent’s respect me for who I am, as for the things they don’t agree with, they leave those decisions up to me and support me wither way. I can’t expect his family to be like mine and with such an obvious difference in cultures I don’t expect them to be. What I was wondering is if this kind of relationship between Indian men and his family is a normal thing in the Indian culture? MDG, your BF obviously does not behave this way but is he “the normal” or is he a rarity in his culture? I can be very certain that my BF will never marry based on arrangements made by his family. I know him well enough to know that is something whe won’t cave into. But he doesn’t seem willing to stand up for what he does want either. I don’t like that I have been lied to as many times that I have been, I don’t like that I am such a secret in every aspect of his life. I get the feeling that he holds on to me while he is looking for that perfect girl. The one who s already done with school, which has “ologist” in her career title, a girl that doesn’t dare question him about anything. I’m not any of those. I’ve spoken up very respectfully anytime I don’t agree with his behavior, I don’t yell and curse at people, I would very kindly state my feelings about issues and EVERY time it always gets turned back on me. He makes me out to be the most jealous and controlling person you could ever imagine. Every issue always gets turned back on me and I always end up apologizing for offending him. Trust me I know how bad this sounds, just typing it I ask myself “Why am I with him if he does all these things?” I feel I am so turned around from what I use to know and who I used to be. I am a very confident and very trusting person. I don’t get jealous easily. If I’ve been lied to and my trust has been broken I act like any normal person would, at least I think I do. I wait to see if the pattern changes, if it doesn’t it leads me to think there is something still to worry about. For the most part every time I suspected something was going on I was right. This whole experience has left a very bad impression on what Indian men must be like in relationships. I don’t ever want to feel this way again, I have been left to feel like I must always prove myself to him & his family. If I act like my happy go lucky self and never say a word about anything that upsets me then we do great, when I say anything is when we always get turned upside down. Trust me; I’m on the road to ending this. I just keep hoping and praying that I will hear that this will turn around. I guess now I’m just being naive. It’s always been very confusing because he would talk about us doing things years from now together, he is extremely supportive of me when it comes to school. I just started back this semester and the first thing he did was buy me a new laptop to congratulate me. He talks about how amazing I will be in my career and how proud he is of me. He Talks about how I am the best surprise life ever gave him. So to sound even more pathetic, I really valued all those amazing moments. I truly believe him when he says those things. I’m obviously a very torn girl
Any more thoughts…?
Is MIM a rarity? Maybe. But genuine, honest, caring guys always are! It’s very simple and will be for you too in retrospect: this guy (although he has his good moments) is not making you feel good about yourself. He’s making you believe you’re jealous, controlling, obsessive, doesn’t value your concerns or opinions, undervalues you because you don’t have a certain degree, etc…
It doesn’t have much to do with whether this is normal in Indian culture. Yes, being afraid to tell your family you’re dating and want to choose a spouse for yourself always is. The big concern here is how this Indian is treating you!
My suggestion is to walk away with your head held high. I think he assumes he can toy with you and you will always come back for more. Show him you have respect for yourself and leave. I know it’s very very hard but trust me, this is not the way you should be feeling in a relationship. Imagine feeling light, free, happy, intelligent, and loved for the qualities you do have. That’s how you should feel!
It’s always been hard for me to walk away from bad relationships but after the way MIM treats me, I will never put up with them again! I hope the same for you. It seems this is the direction you are taking so stay strong – you can do it!
Meeting the parents doesn’t always mean that much.
You can be a ‘friend’, ‘colleague’, ‘college mate’ to them.
For girls with Indian guys, once the parents have met the girl, and approved something official should take place so the family can introduce the girl and not be embarrassed or questioned.
As in any relationship, trust should be earned not given freely. The two people should get to know one another completely and I think a girl knows if she will be with the man she is with for the long haul – mostly because he will show that is what he wants.
I am very fortunate, VJ’s family were never kept in the dark and are very educated and modern thinking.
If the girl is good, she is good. Religion, skin colour or social standing cannot change that.
GSA, Dont walk Run to the nearest Exit. I am an indian woman married to an american man, so let me tell you. Men whether they are indians, africans or americans can be well be total jerks.
Listen to your heart, and seems like you already know the answer.
Not all Indian men are like that just like all american men are not like my blue eyed husband who wanted to have an indian wedding and prefers chai to coffee, or my daal and rice to pasta.
you will find the right one, but he cannot come into your life while you keep the door shut.
Good Luck.
Cheers
GSA… sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. My husband’s parents are Pakistani. He did not tell his family about me until he was ready to marry me. But up until that time, he was trying to figure out for himself if he wanted to marry a non-muslim & a ghori. He kept waiting for the rays of the sun to shine down and illuminate the answer for him. He loved me and he was always honest with me about his reasons for delaying. But he couldn’t decide, and I couldn’t wait any longer. So I walked away. That’s all it took for him to realize that he couldn’t imagine his life with anyone else and to make the compromises we needed to make to become husband/wife.
You have to draw the line in the sand. You can explain to him what you will and will not put up with. And if the time has come in your relationship where you need more and he’s not willing to give it, then you have to be willing to walk away. If the ‘line in the sand’ means meeting his parents or getting engaged, then that’s what you have to do. But have enough respect for yourself to not keep tolerating things you would tell your own friends to walk away from.
Good Luck with whatever happens.
i kindof imagine my life on ur words its very nice article.
Hi GSA,
I am an Indian woman. I never really write on forums like this but, I made an exception. Just to tell you, that no matter wht culture, you want a man who will stand up for you and respect you for who you are and what you are. If he really wanted to please his parents, why is in this relationship in the first place? If he really loves you, n i assume this is the reason for your relationship, then why is he hiding it from the whole world. Wake up! Dont give urself the excuse that the is an Indian Man. Most Indian men are used to having their way in marriages b’cuz the women are made to believe that men are the better sex. But this is just one half of the prople. There are also the smart, intelligent women who wud totally stand up for wht they want. Just like you. You dont deserve to be treated like you arent a psrt of his life when u are. I know this hurts, but seriously,
Move on
SS
I thought you could help me find an answer to my question since you are from India. I would like to know what a black threat tied to a South indian guy’s waist means. I was told it is for good luck but I am concerned it’s significance is for commited to an arraged marriage. Please help me with the answer. Thank you.
I hope it’s not too late for me to answer this but that black thread is not connected to marriage. Many Hindus tie a long black thread to children, and some (quite few actually) of those children actually retain it into their adulthood. It is meant to protect the child spiritually. In reality, I really think it was only done in the past to warn men if they were getting unhealthy and fat – in which case the thread would tighten around their waists!! You see, some things are as simple as that!
However, a woman who has a “sacred thread” around her neck is married. That thread is usually soaked in turmeric, or is made of gold, and always has two breasts, made of gold – one given by the Girl’s Parents, and the other, by the Boy’s Parents. It signifies that both families shall protect and nurture the bride and groom, and that they are in it together for all time.
There is a third sacred thread worn by the Brahmins and Kshatriyas (two castes in the Hindu society). I don’t know the finer details on the difference between the two threads but Brahmin boys are made to wear this after a special ceremony called “Upanayanam”. In this ceremony, Brahmin boys are given instructions on how to control their senses, and turn their desires inward. They are taught that Goddess Gayathri (Shakti) is the embodied form of ultimate reality, and are instructed to meditate daily on Her and Her nature, which will ultimately lead to moksha (nirvana or self realization). You see, the ancient Brahmanas held women in extremely high esteem and the ideals live till today. Now how many people actually live that ideal thought is a matter of debate. Of course, we know for a fact that women are seldom respected. The softer a person is, the more he or she suffers in this greedy egotistic world, is it not?
Please also note, that Brahmins are strict vegetarians by birth, but others are not. Since the sacred thread is worn by multiple castes, you cannot tell if a person wearing it is a vegetarian or not.
Ok, I’m done with the social science lesson
Cheers!
Regards,
Vijay
Thank you Vijay for the social science lesson very educational. : )
or to anyone who know the answer I will appreciate it.
Hi SS,
Well since I made my last post in July of 2010 things with him got AMAZING. I really thought we got through the bad times. In December his family came into town and founf out we were together. They made it very clear to him they did not and will never approve of us. I was really upset but when we reconnected when they left town he sat me down and told me even though he loves them and respects their opinion, he didn’t agree with what they thought and he wanted to continue on our path and see where our journey takes us. In february we took a trip to Philli for him to do a medical board review course. I went with him to celebrate his birthday which is Feb. 13th and to celebrate valentines day together. He got very ill. He ended up not going to the review and spent the entire trip with me site seeing when he felt well enough to leave our hotel. We had hands down one of the ebst weekends in the two years we’ve been together. So romantic, so carefree, so unplanned and amzaing! You could feel the love between us a mile away. I took him to an amazing place for dinner called Buddakan for his birthday. He took ,e to Water Works which is a beatuiful rastaurant that sits behind the Philadelphia museum of Art for Valentines day. He surprised me with beautiful flowers and a ring. Not a engagement ring but just an “I love you” ring
He was not getting any better health wise. I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday, a day before him to fly home. Last minute we decided to fly him home with me so he could rest at home before going back to work on Thursday. Wednesday he slept all day and didn’t feel any better. By Thursday he was awful. I got home from school that night and took him straight to the ER. He was having liver failuer! Long story short. He didn’t tell his parent the moment we were checking into the ER because he didn’t want them flying down here and freaking out until he knew what was going on. He liver was failing but not life ending kind of failing. He wanted to narrow down some things before he told them. So I spent the night next to him for 2 nights in the hospital. He told them Friday night that he was in the hospital and that he didn’t know what was wrong. He asked them not to come here until he told them to. Well by Saturday @ noon they walked into his room while I was sitting on his bed holding his hand. That was the beginning of the end. I was given the most disgusting look I’ve ever seen in my life by his mother. They basically kicked me out. Neel had thanked me a thousand times and told me how much he loved me and how he was greatful for me being by his side for him. I learned that night that his family made arrangements to take him up to MD to Hopkins since he knows so many people there. So I came by the hospital to say goodbye to him. He was alone when I got there. We took a small walk around the hospital. He told me how he was worried. He thanked me again for everything. Neel told his family that I would be staying at his house taking care of the dogs while he was gone. When I was leaving his room I gave him a big kiss and hug and we said I love you. I haven’t heard his voice since that night. Once he left town his family turned off his phone. They would not allow my calls into his room. Someone was in his room every minute of every day. He was released after 10 days and sent home to continue care from home. He was diagnosed auto-immune hepatitis and thyroid cancer. Thankfully his thyroid cancer is a VERY treatable type. I sent cards, flowers, books to him. He emailed me shortly after he was released and apologized for not reaching out. He was very medicated and slept all day every day. I completely understood and told him not to worry about a thing with me or his family. It was not important to me. He was the only thing I worried about. I literally slept on the couch for the first 10 nights he was gone because I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in out bed when he was gone. I was a wreck! I can’t begin to explain the amount of worry I had not being able to hear from him or his family! We spent every day together for 2 years. We work together, we live together, we share a life together! Then he is taken up there sicker then anything I’ve ever seen and I hear nothing! He told me in his email he couldn’t wait to be back home and be next to me. He told me how much he loved me. All the while I kept thinking I know his family is probably doing everything they can to pressure him not to communicate with me. They hated that I was in the house and taking care of the dogs. They never even thanked me. Instead the night I got to the hosue to move back in I found the sweater and shirt I had left at the hospital in a trash bag on the shelf with dog things in the garage. I can’t even begin to understand that how when your son is as sick as he is, you could bring yourself to be that ugly and disrespectful to someone, anyone, especially a person who is helping your son. Well as of today Neel and I are no longer together. I recieved a text from him 4 days before our 2 year anniversary saying “I have moved on. I’ve got alot of other things to worry about right now versus the complex intricacies of any relationship we might have. Cliche a this may be it’s not you its me. I need to simply my life and focus on things I need to focus on. This experience, if nothing else, has afforded me, if not forced upon me, the space and perspective to reflect on what I need most out of life in general both in the short term and long term. Don’t mistake my directness as ungratefulness for all you have been and done for me” I never replied. His dad and sister were scheduled to fly down the next day to get his dogs and take them up north. I moved out that morning. I never responded to his text and I never will. I have not heard a word from him since that text message. I did discover last week that he is now actively searching for a woman on an Indian dating website called Shaadi.com. Just icing to the cake. I was sick to my stomach when I found that out. I am never one to claim I am an perfect person but I did EVERYTHING I could to make him happy. I never lied or cheated on him. I gave him all of me. I gave him all of my heart. He was fully integrated with my entire family. He shattered my heart. But he didn’t shatter me. As heartbroken as I am that he hurt me so badly and literally threw me away to find his checklist of what his parents want for him, I am surprisingly happy and doing well. I have the glimmer of hope that at the end of this journey I will end up with a MAN (key word) that loves me like I love him. A man that will be proud of me and want to introduce me to his family and friends. I am probably forever turned off by the idea of ever dating another Indian man only for fear that this would happen again. As far as the culture goes I absolutely love it. I went to my first Indian wedding a month ago and feel very in love with how much depth and richness the Idian culture has in their traditions of marriage and family. It was beautiful! I know I will be ok. I’m just VERY dissapointed with how he ended us. How he literally tossed me out and went for a checklist. He will be out of town until May. So it gives me time to really heal before I see him again. But I am actively looking for a new job. I’m hoping I’m not there when he gets back. I think it woiuld be better for me if I never see him again. that breaks my heart just thinking that but it’s true. Thank you for all the kind words and support!
hello my dear friend,
i can understand the pain you must be going through,but what happens -happens for good, but the fact is this incident will mould u into a better strong person,,i know your heart will still crave for him as u not only put ur heart but ur soul also into this relationship….remember the good rich moments u spent together n move on in life as life has to move on….if someone is urs he will come back to u what ever happens,if he is not urs how ever tightly u hug n keep near you he will go..so dear friend…losing this relationship is purely his loss and not urs…move on in life and you will find your true love soon…god bless u regards urs frd rakesh n meena from india u can reach us at goldenfish26@gmail.com
Hello Moli,
A black thread tied arnd the hand is mostly from a temple and has spiritual significance. It is believed to protect the person who wears it. Which is probably what he meant ‘for luck’
Unfortunately, in India, men wear nothing to indicate that they are engaged or married.
SS
Thank you SS
Hey GSA,
It breaks my heart to read your story. It is unbelievable how shallow men can be. This is such a typical male mentality. Marry a girl who fits ur checklist even if u get along perfectly with someone else. He probably doesn deserve you if he doesnt have the guts to stand up for himself. The kind of a man who wud marry a woman off shaadi.com rather than someone he spent 2 years with? i mean really!
What really killed me is when u said, u gave him all of you. I cannot understand how someone cannot understand that. Seems so simple to me.
I wish you all the very best. We make mistakes, we learn from them. I think thtz what makes us stronger.
About his family, well i’m really not surprised. Just like anywhere else, for mothers, sons are a sort of their prestige symbol. Its kinda hard to explain. Also, Most men marry into money. Generally, if the guy is settled abroad, doctor, sounds like a good marriage profile to have. If i’m not assuming, he wud get plenty of gifts from the brides father at the wedding (dowry, but ur not allowed to call it that anymore) and have a bloody grand wedding without having to spend a penny. He wasnt going to let go of that for love. Whtz tht anyway?
I could explain somemore but its over right?
Let the sucker go
Take care of yourself GSA
SS
damn !! i really like reading your replys .. really impressive but is it that bad to have a checklist ? im a guy and i do have my checklist in place !!! but more than anything its only to help me understand and know if im with the right woman or not … tops my priority list is a woman who understands family ? is that too much to ask for .. since your an Indian woman im sure you know what i mean ? right … spineless guys are everywhere .. its a woman’s maturity to find out the real guy .. nd i honestly think the whole religion marriage thing is a farse and easy way created by indian guys to break ties with their gfs
You’re right. A guy should be ANYTHING but spineless. Damn Indian Men. Yes I’m also an Indian man but Indian men are the most compromising men I’ve ever seen. When they like a girl, first, they should tell their Parents and then make a move. If a Parent doesn’t approve, they shouldn’t make the damned move. To hell with the pressure and the stupidity of the family, and to hell with men who enter relationships either thinking it’s an easy way to get physical intimacy or that they can convince their nuts of a family who produced an ever bigger nut. The woman is a HUMAN BEING for God’s sake! Why can’t stupid Mothers UNDERSTAND that!
Sorry for the emotion but I really feel for the women who have been cheated out like this. Who the hell gave anyone the right to hurt them like that. It’s sad and it’s frustrating.
Mojo, ur story is so cute!
Makes me have some faith in men 
Hey GSA, read tht? Its for you n me
Hi everybody.
I have been enjoying the posts so far even the nasty ones! I have been with the same Hindu-Indian guy for 3 years. He was also married to a white American woman for 5 years a year before we met. He never had any interest in arranged marriage and has always dated and had serious relationships with western and women Our relationship is mature, trusting, caring and adventurous. What makes the relationship easy is that I am madly in love with everything about Indian culture whether it be Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh or Jain or other except for the Muslim part which I feel is not really Indian but more middle-eastern and can be unpleasant. We live in sunny California.
Are there any couples in California (whatever racial/ethnic combination) who would like to hang out and make friends with us? Ideally, a white girl/Indian guy combo would be nice to share similar experiences but open to other ethnic couples. Hope everyone is having a great day.
hi read ur post n liked it we not in US butsoon wud be travelling wats ur email so that we can get conneted to each other know more share pic..awaiting urs reply u can also reach us at goldenfish26 at da rate gmail dot com
hi read ur post n liked it we not in US but soon wud be travelling wats ur email so that we can get conneted to each other know more share pic..awaiting urs reply u can also reach us at goldenfish26 at da rate gmail dot com
hi all my good american n indian friends,
went through each and every post here,i want to share few things with u people,there are honest genuine and loyal guys n there are non courageous guys also who get into relationship but they bend to parents family pressure and just pull out ..first if they cant introduce u to their respective families dont even think about they going further…god bless u all n all find their true love… rakesh n meena from india
I have had 2 disappointing engagements in the past 5 years when Indian guys moms broke up our engagements….
but silly me, I tried again…
met someone so true at heart, so deep, so smart.
I could tell he began to truely love me, and i felt the same way. We have spent 4 happy months together, when suddenly on my birthday weekend before his trip to
india, i jokingly ( i thought) said, “hope you dont get married on your trip to india”
and
very surprisingly
he said ” oh that is rather unlikely to happen at this time, but if it does i will be ok with it”
wow now thats a birthday gift…
anyway he is on the trip now, and instead of moving on, as any reasonable person would i am still hanging out, hoping he is still single when he gets back, and that he somehow miraculously breaks free from whatever amazingly powerful conditioning they get in india that makes them get married to a stranger back home, when they already have someone they love and who loves them here……
For some of us ….love makes us fools again and again it seems….
Hi,
I am an Australian white female, experiencing my first indian man. I must say, he leaves the Aussie blokes for dead! He is kind, sweet,generous,funny and he compliments me all the time. He sees the opposite to what I see in myself. He tells me I’m beautiful, thanks me for the littlest things,I hold him at arms length, because I don’t know what to make of it all at the moment.I am worried he will leave me for India,or an arranged marriage. He tells me he loves me all the time, something else I am wary of, Aussie blokes use that line all the time, so how do I know if he is for real?
The thing is, you can’t judge a race by one or two bad experiences.Otherwise I would have sworn off Aussie blokes 20 years ago. I always swore I’d never get involved with an Indian man,but now I know I was missing out,big time!
I am in no way racist, I accept everyone for who they are,but I had judged an entire race by my bad experiences with female Indians..Never judge a book…
As for me, I’m gonna screw some Indian men and dump them like trash to the dump can. That’s ALL they are good for. I feel VERY attracted to their skin (not the light skinned ones; I could pick a Latino for that matter) and some of their physical features, and their accents turn me on to no end. In fact, I want to touch them, to feel their big hands and to caress their manly BROWN arms…hmmm. But I don’t think they are good long-term-relationship material. With their sexist ideologies, they are not even worth being my first man. I am a virgin and I want to screw Indians more than any other race of men, but I will never let one be my first as they judge the value of a woman by the number of partners she has had and the color of her skin. And I WON’T subject myself to be judged like that, and neither should you, LADIES (so, stop embarrasing women and put the idiots in their place NOW.) They are not good marriage material either (Lol, I’m not physically attracted to whites and what I consider their unappealing pale skin, but I think even they make a better partner.) EVEN if his mom were to “accept” me, I could not deal with their culture. I don’t see myself going to India and living with a lot other people in the same house and having a witch trying to tell ME what to do and how to do it all the time just because in their culture men are supposed to be treated like royalty at the expense of women. NO WAY. I cannot even stand my mom telling me what to do, let alone a stranger. I definitely won’t continuously try to prove myself to judgamental hypocrites that set themselves as conservative all the time either. And by no means I would wipe my arse with MY HAND as there would be NO TOILET PAPER around!!! AND I couldn’t live in a place where they call people untouchables and treat them like crap as a norm because I would feel powerless being unable to do anything against that injustice as a simple visitor “trying to adjust to the ‘wonderful’ Indian culture.” On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to force an Indian guy to sacrifice his customs or force his family to accept me…because if things don’t work out, I will probably want to get a divorce some day, and I know that would bring shame to himself and his family and some “I told you” exclamations. I wouldn’t want an Indian man to choose me over his familiy either, because if things don’t work out, he would blame me forever that he sacrificed the strong ties with his family for something that didn’t last forever.
So, Indians, you better stop complaining about why MOST Western women of different races don’t want to date your little mama boys asses, be good sons, and remain virgins until time is due…or go have sex without promising the whole world to delusional women who make no effort to understand how different Indian culture really is. And Western women, you better stop thinking you are little heroines that can change a man’s totally different culture out of caprice and stop thinking that because a foreign man seems sweet in manners he is indeed a better man, as social manners don’t reflect a human’s heart. (Tell me!! The men of my country seem the sweetest, most understanding men out there, yet they can be real BASTARDS.) And most importantly, go have sex with the fucking idiots, use them as much as you can as if there were no tomorrow, and dump them when you get tired of them (they don’t deserve otherwise.) BUT don’t (and I mean DON’T) take ANY Indian seriously…unless you are 250% sure he is worth it, because they are meant to provide you with some fun for some time and that should be it. And everyone better sticks to people culturally similar to themselves…unless you guys are TRULY (and I mean it) willing to adjust to your partners’ culture and way of seeing life, because otherwise you would be being fucking selfish by trying to impose your ways and expectations on the person you supposedly love the most.
@ Burbujita … hahahahaha
have you tried to be a stand up comedian ? if you didnt please do , you will be good at it … i am sure when you can make me laugh with your post , you will sound hilarious when you say it with expressions … hahaha
Oh boy !!! you are soo damn funny …
Anyway as an Indian man i can only say that you are the one being judgemental here and obviously you are generalizing the whole country. How many Indians do you know personally ? 10 , 20, 50, 100 ?? how many ? and you have an opinion about everyone … how awesome is that ?
Apparently NOT everyone lives in a JOINT FAMILY …. not everyone is a mama’s boy … however not talking care of parents is probably your culture NOT ours .. we respect the people who bought us in the world and who have made us who we are today.
If you really see the facts the indians are the least population in the world who get divorced … however you need marriage councellors every now and then.
You plan to screw us and not date us ? who the hell are you really and why the hell should we people care about someone bragging online ? Believe me you need to get your fact correct before you open your mouth.
I dont want to be mean and disrespect you else i can give you an answer line by line but whats the point anyway. You will still hold a shallow opinion. Anyway have a good time fucking since with your attitude i doubt any sane indian would ever be genuinely interested in you. It will only end up in a few months or an year. I agree with you that you should look at only White men or Black men for long term relationship. Indians just arent your cup of tea.
Oops, I made some typos!