I reached home from Boulder Sunday at midnight. There was a crispness in the air and leaves have already begun falling from their trees. Instantly I craved pumpkin pie, apple cider, hay rides, fall clothes, knee length boots, Haunted Houses, etc. 
The very next day MIM and I made plans to see each other (of course)! In the morning I brought him some of my mom's awesome French Toast with pecans and natural syrup and he happily ate it up. We spent the rest of the day doing some of our favorite things together that I missed so much, like having lunch in the park, sitting together at the bookstore sharing a coffee as he does his school work and I browse through books, and watching a movie together late at night. And, of course, talking! He never wanted me to stop telling him about India. It's amazing how now we both can relate when it comes to India. It feels - wonderful. I urge anyone in an intercultural relationship to go visit their loved one's country. The two of you will form such a deep bond from it.
MIM took this photo of me in the park. It was a beautiful fall day. I couldn't wait to wear my cowboy boots again!
I believe I've mentioned part of the reason I chose to go to India was to give MIM some space as he finishes up Grad school. Also, so he could save money as, when I'm around we go out and eat out way too much. I'm basically just a bad influence which turned out to be very true this morning when he skipped three classes to spend more time with me. We are really dangerous together...nothing gets accomplished!
So, I'm both happy and sad to report that another event will pull me away from my MIM. Once reaching Boulder from India, I was offered a job singing aboard a cruise line. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get paid for doing what I love. I have previously performed on a cruise ship and was itching to get back for some time now. Being away from MIM AGAIN sucks of course but, seriously, for him to concentrate on his studies and for us both to save money, this is best. We're going to jam pack all our favorite activities and hugs and kisses into another month's time and then I will be gone again for at least 6 months to a year.
I don't know what will become of this blog, unless you're really that interested in knowing what it's like to live and work aboard a cruise ship! To be completely honest with you, I don't know what will become of MIM and I, either. As much as we love each other we're starting to become very practical. It feels down to the wire now. We're getting older and we're starting to talk seriously about things like marriage and raising children. When I was in India, I actually started to think more about my childhood memories and the traditions my family upheld together. MIM wasn't thrilled when I recently asked for a Christian wedding in America and our children to be baptized for the tradition of it. His response made me realize everything was fine when it was I who compromised. When it was time for him to compromise on his religion and traditions, his answer was, "it won't work then".
We were silent for a bit but I can't say either of us were angry at the other. It felt like a complete adult decision that even though we love each other so much and can spend every minute of the day together, when it comes to marriage and raising a family and practicing religion we both want very different things. I know many people have mentioned this to me on my blog and I brushed it off like it was all so simple. Well, it was simple when it was I who gave in to anything MIM wanted. Now that I have requests of my own, I see that it is him who won't budge - for now at least. I think we're both a little peeved at the other, for he sees me as changing my needs and desires on him after almost 3 years together, and I see him as not being fair.
India had a huge effect on me. So for those of you who do go see your loved one's country like I suggested, be prepared to learn things about yourself you never imagined. Living in India made me value everything I had come to take for granted in America. This includes my family, traditions, and the kind of childhood I would want for my children. It's made me really question if I want to step so far outside of my comforts. Yes, for the first time it's made me question if MIM is right for me after all.
@ laughingdude…. in my opinion, before two people consider marriage, there are some big hot topic issues that everyone should consider. money, for example is a big one… if 2 people have very different philosophies on $ management then they could face some serious problems down the road. one of the biggest reasons couples divorce is over $ problems. other big issues are children… whether or not to have them and how many (more or less). if other ‘big’ issues are important, like religion or discipline (e.g. to spank or not), then those should be discussed as well. basically, it helps to find out how similar or different you are on the issues that matter to you before you get married and before you start reproducing. love is very important, but it’s not the only thing… try not to discredit/disimiss/belittle someone just because they are religious.
The only thing I can say about the preference of culture: When you start dating someone ask them those questions. I don’t date unless someone’s values match mine, especially to “treasured family values”. I ask guys where they they see themselves on Sundays, and where their daughter’s wedding will be held, and what color will her wedding dress be?
Succinct questions about his dreams never fails to take the spotlight off you and onto him.
I feel for you seriously in my heart because I have had a intercultural relationship in which such things were worked out… those “things” did work out, its just too bad that he and I didn’t.
He is of hispanic heritage but not say, “from Mexico.” His family has lived in the US for ovr 160 years. However, his family did have strong family values that were directly related to “being hispanic.” I am not hispanic – but truly an all American girl from the South (Arkansas to be exact). So, you’ve got a Southern “belle” and a California “dude” — both Americans but with two very different influences and ideas of what home life is, should be, and what we wanted it to be for our new family.
Lckily we agreed on religion (#1 biggie) – we agreed that both of us would do our best to install our belief systems in our children and one day the children would make up their own minds on what they believe. My ex-husband is “situational Catholic” and I am Southern Baptist raised in the bible belt. So, our children have “God parents” (althought I’m still not real clear on exactly what their role is) and the kids were christined or “Baptised” before 3 months old in a Catholic church. (Something we Baptists do NOT believe makes any difference whatsoever…) My Ex took the kids to mass once or twice a year (Easter Sunday, Christmas Eve, and whenever someone was badly ill or dead). However, I took them to Sunday School semi-regularly (2-3Xs a month) at a bible believing Baptist church year round. As it turns out, the religion they were exposed to the most is still the religion they claim as their own — it just happens to be Baptist. (And it could have gone the other way if he were a more spiritual person.) An ADDED Bonus is that they exercise religious acceptance and race acceptance beautifully. If you are brown – great; white – great; black – great; Christian – great; Hindu – geat …. they are color blind to skin and accept pretty much all walks of life because they’ve been exposed to different cultures from the very beginning! Their dad is brown, mom is white, they mix with anyone and everyone and I believe it’s a beautiful plus of an “intercultural” relationship.
I learned to cook foods my husband grew up with so that my children could also experience and know those cultural meals. but they also appreciate a good pot of collard greens, fried chicken, and corn bread.
I taught them to say “yes Mamm” and “yes Sir” / “no Mamm” and “no Sir.” They were taught to address their elders with respect and by their proper titles (Aunt, Uncle, Mrs., Mr. and so on) — to wait to eat or take foods from the table until the elders have been seated and served, etc. I do NOT spare the rod for fear of spoiling my children. This is MY culture.
However, his family (HIS culture) views children as the ones who should always be put first (even before the elders) – never spank them, feed them first, its okay to call their aunts and uncles by their first names (no respect titles which makes me personally crazy) . . . . very different culture.
Although there were many growing pains at times, my children ended up realizing when they were with the paternal family they got away with murder and if they were with my family they had to toe the line. LOL… This end result was God’s blessing – and by God, I mean the all devine spirit who guides us all – no matter by which name you call him (or her)….
Intermixing your cultures can work. However, it takes work and understanding from BOTH sides. If I were the only one to give, I would have been miserable and it definitely would not worked out so beautifully. If his sons didnt know tamales during christmas season my ex-husband would not have been able to live with that.
It is what is fundamentally important – stress those things – and let the rest lie becuase it will work itself out – IF BOTH ARE GIVING. Again, if not, someone’s going to be unhappy and any resulting children will be confused at best.
So I guess I’m writing because I understand where you are with Mim … although my child rearing is pretty much behind me, I still have a lot of life and love ahead. After my divorce from my first (hispanic) husband, I thought to myself “I’m never going down that road again! I will only date 100% American men!” But as fate would have it, my heart longs to be with a particular Indian man with a beautiful soul and handsome dark eyes.
As with you and your Mim, we have no idea where we’re headed, but patience and time will tell. Dont rule anything out because some of the differences and givings can become some of the most beautiful things to come from or to your relationship. If only you could get HIM to see this. My only urging to anyone who is in a relationship with someone who is not as giving about those cultural barriers as you are — be VERY SURE. Otherwise, you’ll just end up miserable.
I truly hope the best for you as it appears the two of you are truly in love. We’ll all be interested to see what you decide you can live with or what he can or cannot. Good luck dear….
MDG, Damn! I have to say I’m completely entertained by the drama, but it’s at your expense, and I feel a little dirty! (I’m just waiting for the intercultural paternity test
Presumptuous advice from a stranger: you need a break from this blog! I think you’re going to regret revealing so much. Good luck!
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