Indian/Western relationship blogs are springing up all over the place these days and it's allowed me to take a peek into how other people have handled the stepping stones of their intercultural relationships.
I am more and more shocked when I read how early in the relationship some couples are jumping into marriage and children. As you know, MIM and I have been dating for 3 years. Others are engaged, married, or pregnant only months in.
Perhaps it is my past experiences with having months of infatuation only turn into a separation a year or two later, with me looking back and thinking thank God I didn't marry that man, that has me so taken aback at such speedy life-altering decisions.
But I'm not here to judge. In fact, I've just now started questioning if MIM and I made a mistake by not jumping into a marriage quicker. What's interesting to point out cultural wise is MIM's family and friends were always pushing a marriage from the very beginning where as my family and friends were hesitant and cautioning. A reader, "Bee", had said this in a recent comment:
I feel both you and your boyfriend are handling your relationship with a great sense of maturity and responsibility. It very encouraging and it is the way it should be, instead of rushing into commitment and realising later down the road that perhaps you have not made the right, informed choice and by that time your decision has affected and possibly hurt other people close to you i.e. your families, who love you dearly and want the best for you.
You can read the full conversation in the comments section of this post, MDG and MIM Update.
I usually would completely agree with Bee's statement. But now I've started questioning if MIM and I had married much earlier, what would have been different? He wouldn't have had to go back to school for a second master's just to stay in the U.S., that's for sure. Without having to go to school full time on top of teaching classes, perhaps he would have had more time to find a job, and by now we would be doing better in the financial area of our lives. With us being married and him on his way to a green card and citizenship, he wouldn't have had to only take the jobs that would agree to process an H1-visa. We would have also been able to move anywhere in the country, perhaps a place with a stronger job economy instead of this beat up old steel town we currently live in. And perhaps, we wouldn't be going through what we are now, because it's not just religion that's causing this break in our relationship, but that our struggles have gone on for way too long and I simply needed a break from it all.
Here is a secret not many people, including my parents, know about (until now!). MIM and I had gotten an engagement ring about seven months into our relationship. It was a cute, little $500 solitaire that we picked out together, and then I freaked out that it was too soon and we quickly returned it. Since then, we had planned to get a civil marriage at least twice, both times my parents were informed, and both times we both ultimately backed out.
Why? Well, we both have this image of how marriage is supposed to be, how a life together is supposed to be, and a quick civil marriage in a courtroom doesn't quite cut it. We also didn't want to jump into a marriage before we felt secure in our finances. And of course, we speculated too much on what others would think: "Did he marry her for a green card?"
Now I'm starting to wonder, are our fantasies of how things should be, or are "supposed" to be, holding us back? Would jumping into a marriage seven months in been better for us?
This whole "taking time apart" and "stepping back to reevaluate" process is bringing up a lot of questions and concerns. Not only about our relationship, but I'm also taking a long, hard, look at myself. My life feels very out of place. Very off course. Have I done it to myself? Would I have been married and on my way to being a mother if I didn't hesitate so much and wait for the fairy tale to come together just so?
Life's questions; they're never ending. But now I have questions for all of you:.
- How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
- What were the reactions of those around you?
- What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
- What do you think is better - a short courtship or a long one?
- Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
Those of you who are not married please feel free to give your opinions on these questions. Or perhaps you know of a couple who did this or that, and can tell us how it worked out for them.
I'm looking forward to hearing from all of you.
Before ending this post, I want to remind you to get you and your loved ones photos in for the childhood memories post coming next Sunday!
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
- We had met in January of 2008 and we married in June 2009. So it was about a year and half. We waited this long because we were worlds apart.
2. What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
- To be honest, one of the only reasons we got married was because without marriage neither of us could stay in the other’s country. And in the end we just knew we were right for each other so nothing else mattered. I wish we could have waited and had my family with us, but such is how it goes…not much one can do about that when time is running out on a visa…
3. What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
- I would say a long one, you get to know your partner better. Rushing into marriage isn’t a good thing at all.
4. Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
- Well…yes, because we had no choice, and things cropped up. It’s working out now…
Hi Chanacoffee and thank you for your responses. I also just added the question “how did those around you react?” I see you left America to move to India and marry your love. How did your friends and family take the news?
Well, there were a lot more things to be considered…that I don’t want to share as they are pretty personal.
But all things considered, they took it pretty well. Most friends tried to convince me that I was being conned, and that he didn’t mean it. My mom started to speak to him online and got to know him better and so she was ok with it after a while. It’s hard to be so far away from my family, but we are hoping to go visit them next year. =]
i want a seirous female wife from usa and canada i am intrested settle with my wife
MDG..looks like still you want to work on your relationship and try to mend the things. Lookin at your blog, you are eager to be in relationship but your boyfriend is still thinking. Looks like you still very optismistic and also in deep luv with your very soon to be ex.
Alice, you’re actually very wrong in your statement. I think you’re reading into things the way you want to. MIM is still very much in love with me as I am him, and we are both working through our issues equally.
I am also shocked by people who seem to rush into things. I think there is a difference between a good amount of time and a long drawn out courtship. Like I couldn’t be with a guy for a decade before taking the plunge but I also think just months is insane. I don’t knock the people who do it and I wish them the best of luck.
As far as kids are concerned. I personally feel it very selfish to have children before you are financially secure, its also really naive. I may offend some people but I’ve seen families and children struggle because their parents haven’t quite found themselves professionally/financially. Marriage is one thing, you can be two financially insecure people together but once you bring in extra people you need to be responsible.
Jubeee… I agree with the kids thing. I don’t want to offend anyone who might be in that boat, but I also feel it is a bit selfish and naive. I have a Nepali acquaintance who had an arranged marriage and had a baby while living in the US. She was trying to finish her master’s degree, and search for a job, her husband had finished a master’s but didn’t find a proper job and eventually had to become her dependent for immigration purposes, she was the only one working, and the only one holding immigration status for their family, and her mother-in-law came to stay with her to watch the baby. That is a lot of stress– particularly financially. I thought she was kind of crazy to have a baby at that time, and I think she and her husband decided to do it because they thought having an American baby might help them get citizenship (which isn’t true in the US). I can’t help but think, thank god I’m not in that situation.
Oh my gosh, I totally agree with you! That is such bad timing. I don’t think I could cope with such a situation. When I have a baby, I want to be in a position to enjoy the moment, not have to worry about it as another thing to juggle in life!
We waited about a year to get married and then another year plus to have kids… For people around me.. it was a relief. Again, since we both are Indian, it helped, since parents were only happy to make our commitment sealed by marriage if you will.
For me…. I beleive in “feel right”.. If it feels right, it is right. I personally dont prefer a long courtship period, since it tends to bring in more issues, more look beneath the rocks things. In our relationship from the get go, we had discussed marriage. We had discussed life’s values, virtues, families etc. We sorta kinda knew, its perfect for us. Of course we knew where we might have issues… but it felt right. We are married for five years , I am mother of a 2.5 year old, and we are good. We have fights, arguments, adjustments… but it feels right. We have the bigger things in common, life has a way of working out. We like the adventure… we are growing together and we are learning together.
I guess I could go as far and say.. we are in the process of making decisions which work for our family.. no longer.. you and me.. but our family.
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
- 2 years almost to the day to get engaged – total surprise to me, we hadnt really talked about marriage and in retrospect that may have made the 3rd yr (being engaged) a bit tougher since we had to hammer out different opinions/ideals/expectations…risky but it worked out.
2. What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
- didnt rush – just wasnt expecting it right then! i wish we had taken a bit more time to chat about the details prior to the question, i dont know that it would have changed anything really, except my perception of having to conform and control over the situation.
3. What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
- short. but i am um…no spring chicken…so most of my friends meet people with the intention of looking for a life-partner and we are all in good jobs and most of us no longer in school. so it changes things – what else are we waiting for?
4. Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
- things are still chaotic with work/school for him, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel i think. only time will tell!
5. how did others react?
friends were supportive throughout everything, no questions asked…parents on either side were a bit more tentative and but my parents rolled with it quicker than his i feel, to my surprise. The religion stuff was the sticky point. oh well – we made out decison and stuck with it. ish.
Hi, sorry but you mentioned that religion was the sticky point…I am currently very involved with an Indian man. And according to traditions and such she supposed to live with his parents after the marriage…
How did it work out for you? Did you have an Indian wedding or an American?
I’m not married myself but my parents have been married for 28 years now. They had quite a long courtship because they were high school sweethearts from the 9th grade on. They ended up getting married before they were out of college and even lived apart for some time when they were married as my Dad was going to school and my Mom was working to support the both of them.
My best friends parent’s have also been married for around 28 years, but they only dated for 6 months before tying the knot! I asked both of these couples how they have made it through the years and they both said hard work!
I think people have this thought that a relationship always needs to be 50-50 but that’s just not how life is, one person in the relationship is always going to need a little more support, and when you promise your life to someone you need to be there to provide it no matter what.
In the end whether or not you rush in or wait, it all comes down to how much work you are willing to put into being with someone that you really love.
0)How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
First met in july, married in fed. 6 months. 1 year after marriage a son. I could have waited to know her better, but my wife was very sure of herself. Anyway she cannot stand things being up in the air. But, in the end both of us were ready to get married, and both of wanted to start a family.
1) What were the reactions of those around you?
Some of her friends were joking that we dated before engagement for only 3 months.
2)What made you decide to rush or wait?
As I said, I could have waited few more months. But, she is of a personality, who if she decides something, does not like the unknown state. Plus, I didn’t have any true reason to wait. She was what I wanted.
3)What do you wish you had done differently?
After 8 years of marriage, my wife now wishes we had dated longer
That she would recommend that to her daughter. Even though she agrees most of my personality traits were there even during dating period, she is of the opinion that she was in my trance.
4)What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
What sort person you are marrying is known in a short time. May be 6 months. The success of marriage depends on the willingness of the parties to work through issues and stay married. I don’t know if short or long courtship would help here. In any case remember, the stress of life goes to a whole different level after kids, careers, jobs, etc. things which no amount of courtship would prepare you for.
5)Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
There was some flux in our careers. But, we worked it out. Career keeps evolving in the marriage. And, we were always together, so that helps. Its not life we were broke and had to spend longs times apart with kids etc.
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By the way my wife is indian american and i was born in india.
1. We got engaged 10 months into the relationship and then got married on our one year anniversary in a small civil ceremony. We’re going to India in February for festivities there.
2. As for reactions from family/friends, my family and friends were surprised. My family was worried about the cultural/religious differences in the beginning. Since we got married, they have been very supportive. As for his side, his parents had been encouraging him to marry me for some time. They were extremely supportive and we got through some things with their help.
3. I would say we rushed (my last relationship went on for almost 5 years). At 10 months, engaged. At 12 months, married. I’m happy with how it ended up. Only thing I regret is not doing a bigger ceremony here with our friends and family. We just had our family come. It was a happy event but it was somewhat solemn because not all of our family could come.
4. I think both short and long courtships can work. It depends on what life stage you’re in. For us, a short one was perfect.
* Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
5. So our situation isn’t perfect. I am currently applying to grad school for next fall (the schools are all over the US). If I go to a school outside of our area, he’s not coming with me (due to his job)…so it’ll be a ldr for 2 years. Also both of us would prefer to have kids in 2-3 years but it won’t be possible if I go to grad school. All of this was discouraging at first but we knew that with the support of our families we will be able to get through all of it.
All and all I wouldn’t do it any differently. We are both really happy and can’t wait to grow old together.
I am loving reading everyone’s responses. Keep them coming!
I wrote a long comment (big surprise!) and then I lost my internet connection due to the tornadoes raging outside of my apartment right now. I am not married nor engaged so I am not an expert in this department…but since you said those of us who aren’t married can still respond I will
I work as a home health nurse and I absolutely love meeting couples who have been married for 60+ years. I always ask them how they met, how long they dated, and I ask them for their secret to such a long happy (hopefully!) marriage. All of the couples I have met are very eager to impart their wisdom and their relationship advice, and they all seem to enjoy talking about how they met and their memories of their early years together. I have been very surprised to find that many of the couples I have met who have been married for over 60 years dated for less than one year. One of my favorite couples who have been married for 68 years got married when she was 15 and he was 17. I know that it is probably a generation thing…but it still amazes me that two people can have such a happy life together for so long after knowing each other for such a short time before marriage. I do think “our” generation can make things harder than they have to be and overanalyze every aspect of commitment. I think waiting too long can be harmful to a relationship because it is so easy for two people to drift apart and start leading separate lives when they are in the dating phase (married couples can drift apart too of course…but I would argue it’s much easier for dating couples).
Don’t get me wrong…I am definitely not advocating that couples should get married after dating a few months. I think far more couples rush into marriage than wait for a long time. My grandparents have been married 64 years and I think they dated for about 2 years first (although now I need to ask them to be sure!).
This is an interesting blog MDG and I am also enjoying all of the responses.
Hi KC! I really enjoyed reading how you have interviewed so many older couples. I would totally do the same if I was in your same position! I always thought it would make a good book: advice from couples who have been together for 50 years and beyond. Your are in a great position to interview these people so let me know if you ever put it all together in book form and I will be your first customer!
I do agree generation may have a LOT to do with it but still, they have experienced hardships just as any other marriage. I read in a book once that explained years ago people married but never expected their partner to fulfill them in EVERY way possible as we expect today. Seriously, most of us can admit we want our partner to make us happy, make us a better person, be our best friend, and our lover all at the same time. That’s a tough job for anyone to do perfectly. Divorce happens when our partners “fail” to fulfill us in every way possible. So, we go looking for it in another person. I agree that this was not the thought process of couples 60 years ago and beyond.
Anyways, glad you brought this perspective to the blog!
DH and I met in Oct 1997…. by December of that year we knew we had found the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. it took 2+years to debate our differences/breakup/debate some more, before we decided to take a leap of faith (after making the big decisions about what was important and what we could live with). we were engaged in Mar 2000 and married in Jul 2001.
so our hearts knew after 3mos. our heads took a ‘little’ longer to catch up.
Hi MDG! Long time lurker, first time poster! *blush*
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
Compared to most of the responses so far, we took our merry time – 8 years! I met my husband 10 years ago now (in early 2000) and we officially got married here in the states in July of 2008. We did have a small ceremony in India the previous year (Dec 2007), however. I think we took it slow simply because that is what felt right. Over the years, we really got to know each other very well and we both felt sure that our marriage would work.
2. What were the reactions of those around you?
There was some resistance with my husband’s family in the beginning, but after I met his mother – things seemed sail smoothly from there. He is the youngest of 7, so the family was a bit protective of him and only wanted what was best (which was me! LOL). Our friends have always been supportive.
3. What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
Not sure if I would do anything differently except for maybe marrying earlier since I know he’s my soul mate. Sure there are challenges (as there are in any relationship – interracial or not), but it’s so worth it and we’re so much in love! Things are great and I really feel blessed in my life. 
I think where we were in our lives and jobs at the time is what determined our waiting so long. There was some complicated personal stuff in the beginning, but overall since we both feel strongly that once you marry – that’s it, we wanted to be sure there was no room for doubt.
4. What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
I think it’s better for people to really know each other before getting married – so a long courtship is better. It seems like these days people don’t take it seriously which is why there is such a high divorce rate. All too often I see people rush to get married and have kids only to be divorced a year or two later.
5. Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
We’re trying for family now that we’ve settled down the last couple of years and feel more stable financially.
I feel that we actually had everything all in place when we got married, simply because we took our merry time making sure that was so!
Great questions and great blog! Cheers!
welcome klak! So happy that this post stirred you to make your first comment on this blog! Hope it keeps up
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I have been with my love for almost 4.5 years now. When we started dating, I was a young 22 and just graduated from college. He is about 3 years older than me. Last summer, we discussed getting married this year. Unfortunately, we have a small hold up – his parents. They have known about me for over a year but we are taking baby steps with them. I am actually okay with waiting (for the most part) because we live together so it feels like we are married.
I knew I wanted to marry him about 6 months into our relationship. But I also knew he wasn’t quite ready for it yet. I am glad we waited this long. About 3 years into our relationship, we hit a major bump in the road which in turn made our relationship even stronger. If we had gotten married prior to that, I honestly thing we would be getting divorced.
I was raised Mormon. Most of my best and close friends growing up are married and have 2.5 kids. They are barely in their late 20′s and many were married by age 21. I even have 2 friends who are divorced and one on her second marriage at age 27! While I often tell my friends I’m envious that they are settled down, they usually tell me they are envious that I waited, especially to have kids. I have been able to travel the world and experience so many things because I don’t have kids yet. There’s nothing wrong with having kids early, but it does put limitations on your life in general.
Moral of the story: everyone has different preferences and goals in life. I thought mine was to be married with 2.5 kids by now, but I am glad I have been able to have a real “20′s” enjoying my life and figuring out who I am, as an individual, in the process.
But I’ll accept a proposal at anytime, ha.
I have a best friend who got pregnant in high school, married the father, and 10 years and 3 more kids later, she also is envious of my freedom and I am envious of her big family! I am happy I spent my 20′s wild and free but now that the 30′s are on the horizon, I’m getting a bit antsy to get it started already! My clock has definitely kicked in. But again, I would never advise anyone to get married and start a family so young. Not when there’s so much life to live. The 20′s should definitely be a time to find out who you are. I’ve experienced so much growth in my 20′s that I couldn’t imagine marrying someone at age 21. At age 28, I am now almost a completely different person!
MDG, Ever consider going to therapy with MIM? Three years is so much to walk away from without solid answers. Maybe you could try to find some together. If you can’t reach a compromise in therapy maybe it will at least give you some resolution. Just a thought!
Hi J, no, we have never considered therapy. I don’t believe we have problems that require therapy for a solution. Our problems only seem to be financial these days as, I have settled a bit on the religion issue. If a therapist can give us both full time careers, I will definitely go!
The answer is not a therapist but you. You can give yourself financial freedom by marrying him. Finding an engineering job for a Green Card holder is a piece of cake compared to that for a graduate student. And for a permanent residents, those jobs pay in excess of 100K. So its all up to you !!! You dont need any therapy !
I think it is fair to say that Vishav and I have jumped into lots of things, very very quickly
I don’t necessarily want to put details up here because I don’t feel like having my relationship bashed.
I have been in relationships before Vishav, that goes without saying and those relationships were longer than ours – however I didn’t feel the need to jump into an engagement no matter how much I loved the person.
When Vishav and I met I had come out of a tumultuous and crazy romance, and whilst there was a very deep connection in the previous relationship it lacked the things I was actually looking for.
When I met Vishav, my mindset had been adjusted and I was ready to find someone, luckily I found him very soon. I had grown tired of transient relationships and I wanted to start a relationship that was ultimately meaningful.
Vishav encompassed the qualities that I wanted in my life partner, he holds the same values that I do and I love him VERY DEARLY…
I think the question of long or short courtship depends entirely on the person, their mindset and their beliefs.
It is a typically western mindset to question every little detail of a relationship and constantly ask ‘will it work’?
Whereas it is a typically Eastern or Indian attitude to be realistic about the relationship and instead of throwing something wonderful away, ask the question ‘what can we do to make it better/work’?
Constantly questioning a relationship undermines the relationship.
Self confidence and previous experiences weigh in to our current relationship without knowing.
MIM and you are committed to each other and honestly I find that you are getting caught up in the details. I am not judgemental and I don’t necessarily want to impose my views however sometimes I feel that in reading your posts that you and MIM are jumping ahead a few years in your mind.
I don’t consider my entire life with Vishav, I don’t think that things will be the same a year’s time from how they are now.
The reality is we love each other, don’t want to spend a day without each other and are taking things as they come.
When two people act with love and are open in their communication, differences can be overcome – if the two in question want to overcome those differences.
A friend of mine says that the key to a happy marriage is finding someone that you want to spend all of your time with?
I want to spend all of my time with Vishav, I adore him and though are differences are endless we are committed to being happy and being with each other.
Do you want to spend all of your time with MIM??
Do you want to live a life without him??
I think that once you are sure about the person you have found and you want to make that commitment to them, the time in which it is officiated is sometimes irrelevant.
Follow your heart. Don’t be cold and unloving.
Decide what you want from your relationship and go get it!!
I am pregnant as you know, and although it was planned it was an irresponsible decision to make.
Vishav and I however will ensure that our child has the best life possible and that is why we are making the move to India!
Wishing you well sweetheart!
xoxo
Hey MDG,
I feel kind of slack not answering the questions like everyone else so take the previous post as my answer to “What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?”
I am also amazed at how many blogs are cropping up – I guess I am part of the ‘new’ group too..
THEY ARE SO HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF…
How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
We are early in the piece. Seven months along now happily engaged and expecting our first child next June.
We got engaged 4 months in, in a very pretty ring ceremony in India.
We were both decided in where we wanted the relationship to head, we are madly in love with each other and are not just lovers but best friends – which I find very important.
Early on the piece, very frank discussions where had about where our relationship would lead, would Vishav’s family accept me – was there any point in going ahead.
In those discussions I realised that Vishav was the person that I had been hoping would enter my life.
He says it was love at first sight for him!!
What were the reactions of those around you?
Vishav’s family were ecstatic, my family on the most part was very excited and welcoming.
All of my friends and loved ones were seeing a happier, and more ‘Gracie’ side of me that they hadn’t seen in a long time.
Vishav was teaching me so much about myself, life and happiness without even trying.
Everyone from my side (barring two elder sisters) have been loving and supportive and adore Vishav.
Having said that, they have never been keen on my previous partners and are not necessarily easy to please.
I fit into his family, like I was meant to be there and he fits into mine as well.
Even my younger brother & toughest critic adores him!
At the end of the day the fact that those around us were so happy was the icing on the cake.
Marriages with support from friends and family are far more successful than those without in my opinion.
I believe marriage is a lifelong commitment and I never want to experience divorce. This is because I am a child of a broken home.
What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
I think I covered a lot of this earlier but will continue.
For me it wasn’t rushing, it felt completely natural and completely right.
I never doubted what I wanted with Vishav.
Being with Vishav, feels like coming home – it feels like I should have been here all along.
What would I do differently, be better organised – better prepared and made the decision to move to India earlier!
What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
Answered in my previous comment.
Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
Once we move to India and get things in place – things that have already been planned and are secure regardless of any change in circumstance – the next step will be to get married.
I don’t think we will be unprepared and I think it will be a way to signify our love and commitment for one another.
This question also depends on a person’s understanding and appreciation of marriage.
I don’t believe marriage is a fad and I am very certain i will spend my life with Vishie
PS: I am also finding that your blog is taking a really fantastic turn.
You are positive, curious and your posts are returning to their happy self.
I am so glad to see that your blog is becoming a ‘happy place’ and not a discussion board filled with hate!!
You have a lot of loyal readers that really want what is best for you!!
I hope whatever questions you get answered give you the perspective you are looking for!!
Bahut, bahut pyaar (lots and lots of love)
Gracie xo
Thanks for answering the questions, Grace! You are definitely one of the bloggers I was shocked to see move so quickly, but your enthusiasm and love for Vishav is a hard one to dispute! I hope you two are one of the couples with a short courtship but 60 years together still! And, I can’t wait to see pictures of your baby. I am living my dreams of being pregnant through you.
I also agree that this post is one of the first happy ones in awhile. The comments have been wonderful and surprising. Many first time commenters here, so happy this post got them writing! I have done my best to keep the “hateful” people away from this blog so hopefully from now on it will always be a happy place to come to.
Whether we will live to regret our decisions, won’t be known until we do….
My life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but I very much like to share positivity with my viewers and more than anything I want my blog to be a happy place, for ME!!
For the last 4 or so months we hardly part each others side for a few more than a few hours, so whilst our relationship is early we have also spent a ridiculous amount of time together andddd want more hours in the day just for each other!
I intend to spend the rest of my days moaning at him to get ready faster!!
Everything with Vishav ‘feels right’, even when things aren’t perfect he is the perfect man to complement my worrisome nature.
He brings out the best in me, which I always wanted in a partner!!
Whilst falling pregnant was not necessarily the smartest thing to do, we are both tremendously excited and I don’t doubt that we will be wonderful parents and provide everything to our bundle of joy!
Together we will have the world
I hope that my ramblings have given you some food for thought, because I really hate to see beautiful love go to waste!!
I always tell my friend that has been separated from her ex of four years…
Give it your all, if you want him – get him.
Don’t let him pass from your life and then miss his presence!!
On the other hand, I tell her – if you don’t want it back, move on and stop talking about it….
Love and light
Hi MDG, my answers below.
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
We met in Uni in Sep 2004, started dating in Jan 2005, got engaged in May 2008 and got married June 2009. No children yet.
Between getting together and engagement, we lived apart 7 months (he India, I Mexico) and 16 months (he England I Scotland).
What were the reactions of those around you?
Family and friends thought it was about time.
What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
Well, we were ok only living together but our families (his especially) were adamant that we should be married to be introduced to all relatives. We also thought we should be married before having children.
I wish we could have been together sooner.
What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
I think a long one is better to get to know the person.
Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
I think we are now in a good position financially and emotionally so it was the best time.
Wow, so much time apart Anilu! You both must have had a very strong bond. Thanks for sharing with us!
Thanks MDG, the worst part was when we were living in India and Mexico since his mom didn’t know about us but his father did and tried to discourage him (hubby was working in dad’s business). Distance and time difference were very difficult. We tried Skype but timings were ususally bad and while he wrote long beautiful emails, I am not so gifted in the written word so he felt neglected. I had friends but didn’t feel I belonged in my country anymore. Not without him at least. One day in the flat I was renting by myself, I fainted and lost consciousness for 6 hrs. The doctor said it was stress/depression. Till this day I don’t know exactly what happened.
Luckily I found a job in Scotland first and because of the post-study work visa the UK gives, my love decided to join me and look for a job. It was a huge leap of faith for him. Then he found a proper engineering job in England. I was sad to see him leave but hey, we were living in the same island and could visit each other every other week.
Those months were sad but we could talk on the phone freely and meet regularly.
Now he has a job here, we have lived together continuously for 3 years and although he goes offshore once in a while, I cherish every moment we spend together. I love him more than ever and I’m really glad things have fallen into place for us.
This is a really thought provoking topic. We got married around 2.5 years after meeting, and I think that was a good time frame to get to know each other in various different situations. We haven’t rushed into having kids though because neither of us really feels responsible enough. We are in the process of achieving other goals and don’t want to put additional pressure on our relationship at the moment. We keep saying, yeah we’ll have kids, but something else always crops up! Neither of us are particularly kid focused.
I do think that how long you should wait for these things greatly depends on the couple. In that regard, most importantly you both need to be ready for marriage and kids, and both wholeheartedly want them, otherwise speaking from experience (other relationship) there will be problems down the track. With cross cultural relationships, I think it’s also necessary to firstly address all the issues that may arise, such as religion etc. Most importantly though, I really think couples should wait for at least a year before marrying (of course, unless it’s an arranged marriage with a different focus).
There is this thing, according to my mother, called the hot pot of soup. Couples fall in, it’s all hot n spicy, then when it cools down (which it invariably does after a couple of years) they’re often left not liking it. When the excitement and gloss wears off a relationship, that’s when the true test comes. I think it may particularly be the case with cross cultural relationships where things that interested a person at first (such as different culture) start to lose their fascination.
My parents can serve as a bit of an example I guess. They were virgins when they married, and they got married within a year. Both regret not getting to know each other better. They aren’t that well suited personality wise, and have quite a few clashes. I wish they could’ve been happier together.
As for the other questions, I think it’s okay to get married before you’re financially stable (after all it’s easy to share the burden between people) but having said that, it has placed a big burden on our relationship. It’s been a challenge having to both establish ourselves in Mumbai and start from scratch. Stress and arguments have ensured! Things would’ve been easier if we didn’t have to worry about that, and at times I admit I have been a bit resentful. We’ve just been lucky that my work has been really stable and productive, otherwise it probably wouldn’t have worked out.
Personally, in regards to having a child though, that’s something I can’t do without having everything already in its place. I’m a bit scared of the responsibility and changes it will bring!
Hi Sharell! So, I think you said having a child was a goal for this year. Is that still a goal then, or as you wrote in your first paragraph, has something else cropped up? (Like your book which I can’t wait to read!)
“Hot pot of soup” – Love it! My parents are a bit different from yours, they were high school sweet hearts and dated maybe 4 years, married once my dad hit 21 and my mom 19, and have made marriage look SO EASY. I am definitely lucky that I grew up in such a safe and loving household but I also believe it adds more stress on me to find that “perfect” partner and raise a family as effortlessly as my parents made it seem. For example, I only remember one big fight they have ever gotten into, and I was very young. Neither of them have ever complained about getting married too young, or what they may have given up to have children so young. Us children were always and still are top priority in their lives. I hope I too can be just as selfless when I have children. Up until this point, I never wanted to be. I’ve quite enjoyed being selfISH.
I am trying to agree with you that it’s ok to get married before being financially stable. Even my parents had nothing when they married and they flourished together. (I completely agree that you shouldn’t have children until financial stability). MIM and I have already gotten in a few arguments over money, but I also know that these are the days we will look back fondly on, if we do ever have the home and the mortgage! Referring back to my parents again, their first home was a trailer, and I know they still think very fondly on that simple time.
Hi MDG
I really enjoyed all the reader’s responses and was very touched how positive they all are. Moreover, just how ‘colourful’ people’s experiences and life can be. When I posted my comment I felt pretty sure that the well-thought route into marriage is the right one.
Having read all the comments, I see clearly that there are no rules i.e. what feels right for one person, may not feel so right for someone else. Ultimately, each person/ couple needs to decide what feels right for them and if they are ready to embark on a ‘life journey’ together and share the joys, love, happiness together as well as challenges.
I get the sense you are feeling the pressure: perhaps you have a fear of losing your love if you do not make a decision now and if you both go your own way you fear will loose each other forever. I can completely relate to that and appreciate that it only demonstrates you care about your love a great deal.
Perhaps you could ask yourself what really stopped you making the ultimate commitment earlier? It could be that it was purely your own insecurities, fears (we all have them!) or it could be that you did not feel you were ready. Marriage is a big commitment, not to be taken lightly and many would say that it is very important to court in order to have fun, get to know each other as much as possible, learn how both of you deal with problems …
By the sounds of things, you are working on your relationship. Any relationship esp. marriage takes work and although it may sound a bit ‘dry’, it is ultimately a contract (underpinned by love) and one would hope it is for life and that it will be as happy as possible.
You made a decision at the time that it was too early for you to get married, that is how you felt at the time so ultimately you made a right decision. It may feel as if you are at the cross-roads now, however, it is another stage in your relationship. Concentrate purely on what is in your heart, go with what feels right for you, what makes you happy – without giving to thoughts to ‘I should do this or that’.
You may find it helpful to find a quiet spot you love or where you feel comfortable and spend ten minutes or so each day just being or visualising yourself how you want to be. If you feel thorn at the moment as to what is the best thing to do, imagine yourself in different situations. Ask yourself what makes you feel happiest? What makes you feel like you are being true to yourself? If you wish, you may journal your thoughts, feelings and reflect on them later.
There are no rules as the responses from all the comments posted clearly show and although this is not my blog, I feel very touched by the generosity of all your readers and want to say thank you as I too am learning a great deal.
Thank you for sharing you experience and inviting such ‘fruitful’ discussions.
Wishing you all the very best – to both you and your love, MIM!
I am feeling the love!!
Good to see so many lovely and positive people!!
Thanks Bee! You hit a lot right on the head.
The 10 minute visualization is a great suggestion. What my problem is is that I don’t seem to ever trust what conspires from my “heart”. MIM points this out all of the time. I let other’s views influence my own big time. For example, whenever I do feel like what I want to do is marry MIM, I think about my mother and how upset she will be. (She has never fully come around to MIM)Basically, I have yet to really learn to trust in myself and only myself. (This could answer your question: “what really stopped you making the ultimate commitment earlier?”) I work too hard on pleasing everyone around me and it causes me to go down a spiral of insecurities and uncertainties. I do ultimately take the weight of the world on my shoulders and it isn’t fair to MIM that I do this when it comes to decisions about us.
Also, choosing one person for the rest of your life – wow. That’s a whopper of a choice to make. And I feel like the grandiosity of it all scares the sh$t out of me.
I don’t think you can live your life thinking about the “what ifs” sure maybe if you married, MIM would have residency and have gotten a job but the job market is terrible and maybe you would be in the same place. I think money has many negative effects on marital relationships, maybe waiting has made your financial situation more understandable. There is a certain adult-ness in being married and it might have made the job situation seem even worse.
I hope that it works out for the two of you as both individuals and as a couple.
I can’t help but respond as well
1) How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
)
I’m definitely in the “long term” camp. P and I have been dating for 7 years! By the time we get married this summer it will be nearly 8. Part of it is because we started dating in college, so we couldn’t really jump in right away, and P has been in grad school for soooooo long (masters, phd) and so we never had a lot of money. For him at least I think he needs to feel financially responsible before he felt comfortable enough to get married. Thank god he recently received a big research grant! (I work in international education, so even though I have a job, I make as much as a grad student sometimes
I pushed him a bit on the engagement thing. We have been engaged for a little over two years now (three by the time we get married), but I told him that even though his parents took our relationship seriously just by knowing that I exist, my family wouldn’t take it really seriously unless they knew we were engaged. (When I moved 4 years ago to MA when P started his phd, my family was shocked, and I didn’t know why at first. They didn’t think it was THAT serious to move to a new place with him!)
I have to admit that it has been frustrating to me to have to wait so long, because for years there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry him, but I think it was important that we were financially better off, and more responsible before actually getting married. Needless to say I am looking forward to being married and calling him “husband” instead of “partner” or “boyfriend” after all these years!!
2) What were the reactions of those around you?
His family (mostly mom, aunt) were skeptical at first, but after meeting me, warmed a lot. If only I could speak Nepali, it would be perfect. Now I think they would be sad if we weren’t together.
My family loves him, but I wish they would stop trying to force him to be “American” all the time. I’m tired of having that battle.
3) What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
I think I addressed this in number 1. I would have loved to have been married a few years ago, but it was probably for the best to wait. It also makes me feel more confident that our relationship will work out– if we have been able to survive 7 years (and several distance stretches–5 months while I was in Kenya, 6 months while I was in India, 4 months while I was in South Africa and he was in Nepal) financial frugality, and many years of grad school when I was the breadwinner, I think we can survive anything!
4) What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
I think our courtship was too long, I think something in the middle is probably better. But then again, its timing. Had P and I met today we definitely wouldn’t wait 7 years.
5)Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
We waiting until we were a bit more settled and established. Still not 100% (P is still a grad student, we don’t have a permanent home, etc) but better than we were a few years ago. So I guess we are kind of in the middle.
This thread is so helpful…loving it MDG
I hate to be completely off topic here but since your blog and comment section seems to gets lots of views I was just curious if you or your readers knows of any intercultural relationship blogs written by guys? I can’t find any. I guess writing about relationships may be more of a “girl” thing…idk. But I follow about 15 blogs on this subject and zero are written by guys. I also noticed of the 27 comments on this thread so far it appears only one is written by a guy. Hmmm. I’m trying to get my boy to start a blog because he is a great writer and I would also be interested in what he would have to say, ha.
Anyway…like I said I know this is off topic so feel free to delete or move this as you see fit. It is just something I was wondering about today as I have procrastinated working and spent much of the afternoon reading blogs
If he does, make sure to let us all know!
I am an Indian guy living in United States for the past five years. I follow MDG blog regularly and was thinking exactly the same. I have not seen a blog by a guy who is involved in interracial relationship. I find interracial blogs quite fascinating and I am kinda addicted to them
. It’s also interesting to observe that all the blogs here are by an American women involved in an inter-cultural relationship. I have not yet come across a blog where an Indian women is involved with an American guy.
Do you think this is because Indian women are more reserved or shy to keep a blog about dating a western man? I would love to find some out there, as well as blogs written by Indian men with western women (maybe you could start one!?)
I was amazed to pick up the book ‘A Marriage Made in Heaven’ (look for in in my book recommendations on the right side) as it is written by an Indian woman who answered a matrimony ad written by an American man. The book shares their personal letters!
Ah. I think I can tackle this from a couple different ways. I got married in 2004 to a man I had been dating for 4 years. We got engaged after a year (I was 20) and then broke it off but stayed together. We got engaged again 9 months before we got married. We didn’t start a family, we got divorced 2 years later because he cheated on me and wanted to be with the other girl. I think BECAUSE of this I am very happy with the speed of my current relationship. A and I have been together for over 1.5 years but we have to plans to marry anytime soon. We may not make it but time will tell. Overall we are taking it slow because of my background and his inexperience/commitment phobia.
My family was supportive of my first marriage and they agree with how I am handling my current relationship.
I don’t think the length of the courtship matters. I am skeptical about short courtships, mostly because I don’t think you can completely know someone but that may not be true for all people. I think it depends entirely on the circumstances and the couple. My first marriage…I would have married him 1 month in because that is how sure I was. This time around I enjoy living alone, making my own life. I am not ready to settle down. Therein lies the difference (I think- who knows, maybe with a different person I would be ready).
Obviously my first marriage did not work out and it would have ultimately ended whether we had married sooner or later. We just ended up being not right for each other (and I wasn’t a teenager who flirted with him over myspace but that is neither here nor there). This time around? Well I hope it works out, A is an amazing man. He is not perfect but I have learned that life is not perfect. Marriage is about two people, a love, a respect, and a taking care of one another. In the end no diamond ring, white wedding dress or three tier cake is going to make or break the bond two people in love have. It’s all about perspective I guess. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.
My husband and I dated for 6 years before getting married. But I would say 3/4 of that time we were long distance. Like, across the country long distance. When we first met I was so not even looking for someone to marry. I was only 23, barely done with my BA and the only thing we were focused on was having a good time. Only around year 4 did we really start to think…maybe we should lock this down? We wanted to have our own things going before we were married. I wanted to have a masters degree and bring more to the table. The immigration thing did also play a small part. I wanted to be 110% sure that no one just wanted me for my citizenship, and he totally understood that too; He didn’t ask me to marry him until he had an employment greencard. We both wanted a big church wedding in the US (we are the same religion so that wasn’t as much of an issue) and wanted to have enough money to pay for it. And all of that took a while, but I’m glad we waited. I do sometimes wish we had had a longer engagement, but I think wedding planning is such a hassle, 6 months was probably about right.
We’re thinking of having a baby soon. I could wait, but we’re also not getting any younger so that decision is half being made for us.
The only people who had a problem with us being together were his family (but they’re slowly coming around, it didn’t help that he didn’t tell them about me for a LONG time), and my distant family members that I’m not at all close to and consequently no long associate with.
All in all, I feel like short or long courtships can both be right for the right people. Sometimes I think it’s not always about the length of time, sometimes it has a lot to do with age and maturity.
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
We dated for a little over two & a half years before getting engaged, and had a civil ceremony just a little bit before the three-year mark in our relationship. At the two-year mark we broke up for about five months – which I think was a good decision. We dated other people, had single lives for awhile, and then came back together once we had figured out where and how we were willing to compromise. Now we’re creeping up on four years of marriage, and starting to talk about kids slowly. Two dogs is about all the responsibility we want to handle right now – like Sharell, we both have other goals in life that we’re striving for.
2. What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
Well, we decided to wait until we had figured out our lives, and where we wanted them to go – and both agreed that we’d be way happier together than apart. I don’t really think we should have done anything differently. If I had had my choice, we probably would have delayed the civil ceremony for six months for a bit of a longer engagement period, but visa issues caused us to decide to bump it up a bit.
3. What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
If it’s a “love match” then I absolutely think you should wait at least a couple of years before getting married. If you study the science of romantic love, it becomes clear that a lot of the fun woooooosh of romantic love is partially due to a bunch of new chemicals rushing around your body. But those chemicals are only around for a couple of years before they start to fade (you know – enough time to get pregnant, and get past the newborn stage). I still think romantic love is fun and wonderful and all that jazz – but it’s just one stage of many in a relationship, and you need to know that you can continue past that first stage before committing yourself to something for life.
4. Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
Most things were in place – Aditya had graduated, had a job, and I had a semester of college left to go, with my grad school plans already in the works. Like lots of young married couples, we didn’t have a lot of money during our first couple of years (mainly because graduate students don’t get paid a lot of money), but we knew that it was a short-term thing. And now we’re very comfortable financially, and living back in California, which we both love. We have our issues (I don’t care for my job much, for instance), but nothing worth complaining about, really.
5. How did others react?
By the wedding date, everybody was supportive about us getting married except for my father, who thought we were too young and not yet financially secure enough. Well, and also I don’t think he fancied having an Indian for a son-in-law either. But my dad and I have never seen eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, so I didn’t take his objections too seriously (especially given his own marital track record).
I have highly enjoyed reading each and every one of your experiences, and it’s a LOT of reading! I’m loving all the openness and sharing going on. (the responses are coming slower as it’s getting hard to keep up! lol)
Wow, this subject has so many different facets. I do think Grace is right in saying that there are often fundamental differences in the way that people approach relationships – obviously here we’re concerned most specifically with the East/West divide but people have alluded in their comments to others, for example the age/experiences/background of those involved.
My own parents married after a relatively short courtship and this never seems to have affected their devotion to each other. A generation on and things have changed quite a bit; it’s not that common where I live for couples to marry straight out of College, with most people I know leaving it until their late 20s and 30s to get engaged. Lots of my friends and relatives have been in relationships for many years before they get engaged – that’s _if_ (at this stage, anyway!) they get engaged! In terms of this circle of family and friends, I think this might have something to do with the high cost of living and, for those of who want to, getting onto the property ladder. I know this is very different in other parts of the globe!
All things being equal, I don’t think that either a long or short courtship is more indicative of a successful marriage in the future. However, I doubt that there will be as many happily married old folk in the West in the next generation because divorce is much more socially acceptable than it was in, say, my grandparent’s day and I do that that these is indicative of a different approach to commitment in the West. Those who are truly unhappy don’t have to stay put just to “save face” – all in all, a good thing – but it does mean that expectations have changed here where they might not have elsewhere in the world.
The risk of not getting married when you are (or the relationship is) relatively young is that you may continue to grow as people but not necessarily together, purposefully, towards the same goals. It was a recipe for success for our parents and grandparents and may continue to be today. The crucial thing that I think a few of us have touched upon here is that the attitudes of the people in the relationship or wedlock are key to finding a mutually sustaining bond. Whatever the differences between you, if you are jointly committed to being together, finding common ground and respecting each other’s points of view, there is no reason to think that the simple fact of being married either or early on or later in your relationship will have any bearing in the longevity of your union – hopefully we are dedicated to each other before marriage as during it.
I think I’ve wandered off topic here … as you say, MDG, life’s questions …
My answers:
• How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
Not married; have been together nearly 10 years.
• What were the reactions of those around you?
Of course, they do encourage us to tie the knot – it’s the ubiquitous question at family weddings – but I think they respect the relationship that we have and that we will probably get married one day, but on our own schedule!
• What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
I’ve mentioned above that finance is possibly a factor; we’re not fixated on the accumulation of “stuff” or the security that a home of our own might provide, but we are otherwise happy so we have never felt a need to get married before taking the time to set ourselves up a bit. I am so thankful for the time that we have had together and for the growth in our relationship over the years. I expect it would have been the same had we got married earlier on, but I’m happy with the way things have worked out and wouldn’t want change any of our choices. Except maybe I wish we’d taken even more time out to travel!
• What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
I think I’ve covered this!
• Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
Oh sure, I could have married him any day and that would have brought different turns in the road, but we’re good as we are!
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, MDG!
You’re welcome! Thanks for sharing your story! I really liked this part:
“Whatever the differences between you, if you are jointly committed to being together, finding common ground and respecting each other’s points of view, there is no reason to think that the simple fact of being married either or early on or later in your relationship will have any bearing in the longevity of your union – hopefully we are dedicated to each other before marriage as during it.”
So very true!
I’ve known my South for 4 years now and we’ve been married for 4 months — it’s going great! I will say I did A LOT of speculating and thinking about the intercultural stuff right from the get-go (see my blog). I will also say, I don’t think the rubber even met the road until we got engaged and alll the parental wants, cultural stuff came barreling out of the woodwork. I had met his parents long before engagement, but engagement made it VERY VERY real for all parties — I’m not even sure how serious R’s parents took our relationship until we got engaged. For lots of reasons, we worked everything out and are happy together. I think for so long I was looking for a formula to it all — looking to other mixed couples to see how their relationships worked, etc. But, every couple is different even when one is an Indian and the other American. There are so many different shapes and forms, I hate to generalize anything at all anymore. At the end of the day, you are in a relationship — just like everyone else. Like my dad said to me before I got married, “Hell you have just as good a shot as everyone else!” So that’s sort of been my MO — if I weren’t dealing with cultural nuances and such, I’d be dealing with something else from a corn fed white boy. Good relationships all have the same characteristics at the end of the day. Something to keep in mind!
* How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
We got engaged after dating for 6 months. We met in August 2007 and married in March 2008. He knew almost immediately he wanted to marry me, the final piece for him was meeting my family at Christmas. For me, it was around February. We got married in a civil ceremony 5 days later and then had two weddings in Minnesota at the 1 year mark. Last January was our small Indian temple wedding with his family.
We are still waiting to have a family-we want to be financially stable with a house and in an area we feel is safe for children and babies. Also, I want to be able to stay home for at least the baby’s first year.
* What were the reactions of those around you?
My family was surprised and a bit hurt at first (but not really shocked), but at least they had met him before (at Christmas) and liked him. I still remember my mom meeting him at the airport. When he went to get his bags after greeting her, she whispered to me “good choice”. Having a small family wedding in Minnesota definitely helped.
His family took it better (I think). His parents and I have always gotten along very well. I don’t think I know the full story about how his siblings felt. His mom made everyone laugh at the Minnesota wedding when she said to me, “I like you” and gave me a hug. Then she remembered Satya and said, “I like you too.”
* What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
There was a situation that made us rush, but everything was quickly resolved.
Hmm, I wish I had kept my family more up to date with what was happening. Overall, though I don’t think I’d change much.
I do feel very lucky to have met Satya and extremely lucky that his parents are so wonderful!
* What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
For us, a short one worked because we knew what we wanted and both of us do not like uncertainty or waiting. For me, once my mind is made up, I want to act. He also knew what he wanted and couldn’t really understand the Western idea of dating just to date. For him, it was always about finding a wife.
* Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
We married amidst a lot of turmoil, but the turmoil was outside of us-not between us. We still don’t have everything figured out, but we do know what we want the next step to be (the next 4 or 5 steps, who knows?).
the problem with “waiting until you are financially set,” is many times, that day never comes. I understand it a bit when talking about children, but when talking about marriage, I think that (unless you have some real concrete goals) it can be a way to stall.
You can’t win with the “What if he wants a green card issue.” because if you finally show someone that “he does not want that green card,” then they will say: “what if he takes you back to his own country?” all are scaring tactics. and, let’s face it: a green card does place a part in the marrying process sometimes. But, one must clarify whether it is the motive or just a factor.
Honestly, I would have waited a bit longer to match our civil ceremony with the celebratory one we will be having in July. But, nothing is perfect and after weighing the pros and cons, I am happy with my choice.
sometimes, you think that you are secure, but you are not. the best laid plans can (and many times do) go arye. Like someone’s “Sadya,” Imran did not see the point in dating lots (although he would to appease me) when he knew that he wanted a wife and to be married.
and, he always contended this (from the worst to the best times).
I do think it matters where you are in your life.
financially stable is a matter of prospective.
I do think that whether a long or short courtship, the couple should have many meaningful discussions and go through a few necessary experiences before deciding to get married.
but, that is just my own opinion.
you know ever since I started reading this blog months ago , I’ve always suspected this to be a may-december romance and it turns out I was right.
LOL….do you have ANY idea what a May December Romance is?
One that lasts from May to December.haha
Way off!
It’s when two people have a significant age difference, like dating someone your parents age
eEk’s wrong on all counts. He’s been reading the blog for months but still hasn’t picked up on it being a 3 year romance and not a May-Dec romance. ?? Hopefully eEk you’ve learned TWO new things today!
Followed from Gori Girl’s Friday Connections…thought I’d add my two cents!
1. How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
The three year anniversary of when a stats course brought us together is later this week! We started having serious, optimistic marriage conversations in August 08, but he was waiting to find out whether he could continue grad school locally, then we were working out family and commitment issues. Officially engaged July 09. Wedding planning sucked the life out of me, due to family conflicts on his side and deeper family issues on mine, so we “eloped” in May 2010 and then attended the big family wedding as planned in July. We’re hoping to stave off the “start a family” part for another 2-4 years, so we can get final degrees and spend more time finding our couple pattern and just enjoying the perks of being both married and childless!
2. What were the reactions of those around you?
His family kinda freaked when they first found out, but it wasn’t too awful. Mine was cool, but has some issues with his values (which are generally my values, too, so that’s the real issue). He was concerned that things would blow up again when we got engaged, but I think his family thought we were official several weeks or months before we were. A lot of cultural and power struggles came out with the wedding, which his parents were paying for.
My more long-term friends kind of struggle with the values differences, too (mostly changes since I formed my friendships), but have been generally supportive. Two of my best friends from college are also Indian American, so it wasn’t that new.
3. What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
We both acknowledge that sometimes around April 2009 would have been best for getting engaged — not quite as early as I wanted, not quite as late as he wanted (it was still pulling teeth to make it official in July). He wanted time to know he was staying in town with me and to spend a week with his parents after they had met me.
One reason we didn’t wait longer for marriage was that both of our families are fairly conservative about premarital activities. We wanted to live together without constant fear of it being revealed by a slip of the tongue or surprise visit, and to have a sexual relationship without constant fear of the family consequences of an accidental pregnancy. We also wanted to merge our finances, with some level of legal and social commitment and protection. I also grew up with the message that dating is OK, but its ultimate purpose is always to find a long-term partner. I told him early on that two years of “just dating” was about my limit.
4. What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
I see nothing wrong with a long courtship if it works well for both parties. My brother had a short courtship, and I consider mine to be medium-to-long, and we’re both pretty comfortable with our reasons and results. Now that I’m [happily] married, I kind of wonder what would have happened if we’d told our families that we intended to marry eventually but were living our lives how we chose until that time.
5. Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
I believe a marriage is always a work in progress! We’re only 5 months in, but I feel pretty comfortable with where we did it. We got our big values sorted out back in our initial wedding talks, so now it’s more of how we relate to each other and how our families fit together. We’re grad students, so the financial isn’t there, but we weren’t making it any better by running two households!
This might be a long comment so please bear with me. I am hoping for some advice as well.
This post is very timely for me. My Indian boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years now. We met at university and it was love at first sight. We are best friends and still marvel at how lucky we are to be with eachother (and other mushy stuff!).
His Mum sat me down yesterday and had a good old chat about our future and basically told me we need to decide soon. Here are the issues we are facing:
- We have never lived together. Both families are very conservative and would never accept us having a sexual relationship (who knows what would happen if they knew!) and his Mum lives with him, and will always live with him
- The major one is religion. Although he is Sikh by birth he is very anti-religion, in any form. He holds no prejudice against other practicing religion but he would not tolerate it in his own household. My Dad is a pastor. And I hold a very strong Christian faith. Not to the degree of my parents but I am not able/willing to give it up. It’s a topic we don’t discuss very often.
- His Mum, while not being an ‘issue’, is a big concern for both of us. She is an amazing, lovely woman with a big heart but I don’t think it’s big enough to accept me as a Daughter in Law. She’s only ever been nice to me (I met her in week 2 of our relationship!) but she has been through a lot in life including an awful marriage and divorce, leaving a really good job in India to move to NZ, and seeing her daughter marry for love into a really terrible family. Having a gori daughter in law would make things difficult on a whole other level.
All this without even touching on other cultural and language issues! (or what my parent’s think!)
Yesterday his Mum basically listed every possible negative under the sun. I don’t know if she was trying to prepare me or scare me away but I’m leaning towards the latter despite her telling me over and over that she would be happy if we decided to marry. On face value that might sound a bit cynical but piecing together comments she’s made to me and my bf in the past I’m not too sure what to believe.
Despite all of this we still want to be together and 4.5 years feels like too long to be dating without commitment. I guess what I’m really asking is 1) The same as MDG, how long should you wait and why? The comments in this post are AMAZING. Really encouraging and enlightening. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write a comment here.
2)also, is 4.5 years too long?
3)Finally, is there a situation where you would advise someone NOT to marry inter-culturally?
hmmm… Maybe I should start my own blog!!
I think religion is a big thing here.. obviously I dont know the ins and outs.. but the fact that he wont tolerate any religion and you are not willing to give it up.. thats a BIG bridge and I think that needs to be dealt with before moving forward. Again, forgive me if thats out of order I just know how it feels to be in a dual faith relationship and it hardly ever works without compromise (read: GIVING UP SOMETHING) from one side
ANYTHING can be overcome with enough time and patience. Never hide from a topic, ESPECIALLY if it’s a hard one or one that you think is taboo!
When your in love, nothing should ever be taboo. This is the person you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with, so why on earth would you want to walk on egg shells for certain subjects?
I say, find neutral territory and pick a time that you both agree on where you can discuss this topic. That way he has time to mentally and emotionally prepare to discuss a topic he does not like and you have time to come up with all the points you wish to make.
Also, I’m assuming that you only want the right to be religious in your own house and to teach future children about your religious heritage WITHOUT forcing his beliefs or your beliefs on to him or possible future children? So come clean with it. Be up front and honest. Explain what it is you would want and ask how he feels about it. Another thing you could do is write your points down and exchange them with him so that when the time comes to have your discussion you both have a better idea of what the other wants and what you can agree to.
Morning
We got married this september surrounded by mostly my family and friends (although he knew practically everyone there) because, well basically his visa is running out. Also because I wanted my family to see I was doing things the proper way and to see that my husband is traditional in that sense 
I have to say I think this is a good chance for you to get opinions of how other people have done things but do listen to your heart.. the only people who will make these decisions for the best are you two. Everything is different for every couple in this world. Before I answer your questions I want to say I dont know the differences in religion for the two of you, but for me and my husband we are both muslims. I converted seven years ago (way before I met my husband) but my family do not know this. So lets crack on
We met July 2009, got married islamically November 2009 and in a civil ceremony September 2010. We got married quickly because religiously that is what is asked of us, we couldnt live together or spend ‘quality’ time together without being married. We are yet to have children though
My mum didnt speak to me for close to a month when I told her he had asked to marry me. She called him sneaky, untrustworthy and told me he was only after a passport, because what else could he want??!! She was the only person I had such a reaction off.. everyone else was very excited, although some were shocked by the date once we announced it (we told them end of May and wedding was end of September.. considering engagements are usually for a year at least)
I dont wish I had done anything differently as far as the time scale goes.. I wish we could have done the wedding a little earlier but my mum couldnt get holidays from Canada (where she lives) during the summer. I only wish we could have had his parents there with us for the islamic wedding.. but that was just unavoidable
As far as the how long a courtship is best.. this very much depends on the couple. I feel for us short was best, I couldnt imagine it being longer I think I would have died (Im being slightly melodramatic there heehee) but I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and if marriage is an important part of spending your life together, why wait?? or as my dad put it.. you arent getting any younger (yes he did say it ;p)
We are currently trying to sort out hubbies visa, but this couldnt have been done before we got married. That is really the only thing that isnt ‘in place’ but Im grateful for everything we have. We arent in the best financial situation but that has never been important to me. To him its important i guess, we dont spend much time outside because he doesnt like me to pay for everything. But we have fun together, and thats the important thing. Alhamdulillah (All thanks to God)
I hope this helps (with your other 200 odd comments) keep up the blogs and feel free to write to me on mine
Dual faith marriages don’t work.If they do , then the two concerned are not religious.Theirs is just faith by inheritance and superficial to be honest.
I don’t agree with you there Min. Both my husband and I are very spiritually religious people, raised in two very different religions and finding glory and honor in both.
I think the problem comes when two people do not see the beauty that is just GOD. They think that it’s sacrilege to say that God could possibly be anything other than what they were raised to believe he is.
My husband and are Hindu / Christian. We celebrate the holiday’s, festivities and traditions of both religions. We have successfully melded the two, because we believe that God is all these things.
Our thought is that God does not care what name you give him or the color of his skin or what tradition you use to pray to him with, he only cares that you come to him.
Well put, Gori! This is a perfect example that two different religions can coincide within one household and neither party has to give up their beliefs. This was a point I was trying to make in a post on a different topic, but you worded it better!
My favorite is how I explained to my Mother that Hinduism is a lot like Catholicism. You have God (Brahman) and then you have the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit (Brahma, Shiv, Vishnu) and all the Saints (Ganesh, Lakshmi, etc). In Catholicism you have images for each and each represents something different (ie: The patron Saint of Animals was Francis of Assisi) and in Hinduism you pray to Lord Ganesh before each important act or occasion and many other’s all with their own representations.
This helped her as a Christian to see Hinduism in a light that she could understand and relate to.
I’ve enjoyed reading all these posts. My man (from Nepal) and I (from Australia) have been together two years. No plans for marriage just yet and I still have to be officially accepted into his family once they meet me. kids before marriage is a no-no because of his culture. I’m fine with this. I think a short or long courtship is dependent on the couple. As i say, relationships come in all matters and means. I sometimes get nervy when all my friends are getting married and having kids but at the end of the day I’m really ok with waiting a while. We’ve learnt so much about each other in this time and it’s all been worth it
I’m the same way Casey. As more and more of my friends tie the knot, I get worried I will be left behind. But I’m still in my 20′s, (albeit late 20′s) and I think waiting until I’m in my early 30′s is a great time for marriage and starting a family. But you better believe i will be in total freak out mode if it doesn’t happen by the time I’m 35!!!
Sorry I’m late!!!!! Hopefully I am still allowed to answer the questions!!
hehe
• How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
o How long we waited depends on your point of view. Because we dated with no other intention than that of spending time together, marriage to one another was never a topic at the beginning. So even though we’ve known each other for 3 years, we didn’t decide until February 1st, 2009. During halftime of the Steelers/Cardinal game. It was a very emotional night, Bear would be leaving in approximately a month (or so we thought at the time) and we were both discussing how we didn’t want the other to be married to anyone other than ourselves. I knew fairly early that this was the man I wanted to marry as I grilled the hell out of him to get the nuggets of info I needed to know. I had spent too many years of wasting my time with other guys and after several years alone and doing some serious introspection I knew exactly what I wanted from my future husband. Bear fit all of that. But for him, it wasn’t quite so easy. He loved me but was also confused and torn about his original conviction for an arranged marriage and whether we could make the intercultural marriage work. So he spent that time discussing these topics with me in a theoretical sense. I guess you could say he was testing me as much as I was testing him. But by the time we had decided to get married, we knew what we both wanted out of life, how we could mesh our different backgrounds together and realized that neither of us needed to pressure the other to change something or alter anything as melding our two worlds worked great. After that, it was mainly that we couldn’t live without each other.
• What were the reactions of those around you?
My MOTHER on the other hand completely flipped out. She had all these negative and pre-conceived ideas about who Indian’s were and what Hindu’s believed (Snake charmers and Terrorists). It took me a really long time to get her to be ok with this. I’m ashamed to say, I even had to disinvite her from our Wedding. It was hard, but she forced me to make that decision and I don’t regret doing it. Now, she loves Bear to death and will spend more time talking to him during our bi-weekly phone calls than she does talking to ME! Lol The rest of the family all loved Bear and were happy with our decision. HIS FAMILY was a completely opposite reaction and Bear battled them for nearly 8 months before we finally found a crack in the family armor and used it. But those 8 months was literal hell for Bear and he had to deal with it while in the US and when he went home for 3 months. Now they love me to death and we all have so much fun together. They brag about me to their neighbors and friends and when we come I’m put on display in my Indian Sari, Manglasutra, Bindi wearing glory.
o My Dad (I’m a Daddy’s girl) was the one I was most worried about and was the easiest to convince. He loved Bear after first meeting him and his only concern was that we were going to live so far away (India) and might not be able come home often if at all. He cried but he was happy too. Also, he and Bear are so much alike that they are like two pea’s in a pod. My Step-Mom also agreed and thought that Bear was a terrific individual. Being a psychologist I gave that one a lot of weight.
• What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
o I wouldn’t change a thing actually. If anything, I wish we would have started trying to convince his parents sooner as we put off the wedding in the hopes of getting their approval first. When that wasn’t panning out we went ahead and planned it (they gave consent 2 weeks before the wedding). Otherwise, time moved at our own pace and how we liked it, but both of us were very much assured of each other and had spent a great deal amount of time quizzing to find out how well we could meld in a future life together. It was like we did all the serious stuff first, mixed with some rosy colored glasses stuff and then LATER it was all rosy colored goo goo eyes with some serious stuff mixed in. That’s pretty much how we are now actually….still honeymooners after all this time. I guess it works because we each know where the other person stands and are good with it.
• What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
o I think you can’t put the same time/date stamp on filet mignon that you do on cheese or a bottle of wine. Not everything is the same. While Bear and I only had to work and then all the hours after and around work were ours to do with as we please, other people may have to work and go to school or have other responsibilities that will divide their time into smaller blocks of ‘us’ time. Also, the course of the relationship between the couple depends on the emotional and intellectual progress of the individual. If you and I both enter into a relationship with two guys at the same exact time are we going to get married to our beau’s at the same time too? Most likely not, maybe because you can’t spend as much time together as my beau and I can. Maybe because I just got out of a really horrid relationship and just wasn’t ‘ready’ like you may have been. Each person is different and each relationship flows around that.
• Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
o Yep, we were going to totally marry without the approval of his parents. Also, we had not finished deciding on where we were going to live after marriage. To stay in the US or to go back to India. If we got to India for how long? Finally, we decided to go to India but with the provision that if I start to go nuts or need/want to go back home he would be totally ok with that. Two pretty big deals and we were going to go ahead any old way. But we made the decision a month before the wedding and his parents gave their approval 2 weeks before. Everything else was stuff that I was positive that we could flesh out together when the time came. Anything important to the both of us as individuals had already been decided long before hand.
You’re never too late Gori! Aw, I’m sorry to hear you had to disinvite your mom to the wedding and that you battled with Bear’s family’s acceptance as well. But, everything worked out in the end which is great! (and still honeymooners after all this time – aww!) I really liked your answer to “a short or long courtship?” Very well said. So, still haven’t gone nuts in India and ready to come home?
“So, still haven’t gone nuts in India and ready to come home?”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
See, here’s the deal. I was already nuts when I moved here so ‘going’ nuts wasn’t really an option.
Seriously, I have my good days and my bad days. I have times when I just curl into a ball and cry and I have times when I look around me and am so in love with where we live that I think I can never leave it. And I live in the freaking BOONDOCKS ok? LOL Nothing in walking distance and a year into living here I still don’t have a scooter. I’m totally reliant on my husband and he works…a LOT.
But it works, because I find other ways of occupying my time. I’ve always been really good at that. Entertaining myself, distracting myself, following a daydream. I think if you live more in the here and now or are incapable of even half of those things that living here would be pretty damn difficult. Especially living here without family or a loved one. Friends are all great and stuff, but for this kind of environment you need someone you can curl up with.
Also, my husband keeps me sane by bringing me chocolate. Chocolate has been proven to cure depression and raving lunatic wife syndrome. I’m walking proof of it.
Seriously, he does a lot to help me. We go on tours of our city, we play badminton, we go for drives, we go shopping in stores, we go out to eat, we do so many things during the weekends that it leaves me with good feelings during the week.
Personally, I think you were too hard on yourself for needing to go back home after your stay here. I had a lot of thoughts on that topic but wasn’t sure if I should voice them because I can be pretty abrupt and to the point when I feel strongly about something. I didn’t feel that the time was right to tell you as you needed to adjust and recuperate. But I’ll tell ya now.
You shouldn’t have made the first trip to India without MIM or your family. Bear and I both agree on that as I kept him up to date on your posts. We even tried to figure out a way to come to see you but it wasn’t possible at the time and you left before we could make it so. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY/BAD ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!
Coming here for a short vacation is one thing but even then it should be with someone who can facilitate your tour, someone you rely on emotionally and respect intellectually.
I found out something about myself living here in India. In the US I had somehow convinced myself that I was independent and strong but that I could also confidently rely on someone else’s help. Here I’ve learned that I was just fooling myself or that the US allowed me to think that because nothing challenged it. Here I’ve learned that I do not like giving control over the reins of certain aspects of my life to someone else. Even if it is my beloved husband. It bugs me. I feel weak that I can’t do it. I’m also not as independent and strong as I thought I was either. Even though I’m finding that I don’t like relinquishing control to my husband in some areas’, I’m finding that I need to in area’s that I NEVER would have thought I would have to. It’s bamboozling.
India forces you to look inside of yourself and really see and deal with those aspects of your character that you might not like or hid from. India also isolates you in a way that seems impossible with the amount of people living here. In both of those cases you need someone you love and who loves you, someone to ‘talk you down’ and give some perspective, to make you laugh and to give love when needed. And someone who knows how to find a freaking can opener in India.
I think going to India without MIM or a family member first was your first and only mistake. As my Dad would say….you bit off more than you could chew. But I will add this… AT THE TIME.
>:D< Hugs to you MDG.
haha! I was able to find a can opener!!
Thanks for such an expressive and honest comment. Yes, going without MIM was a huge mistake. I know it would be SO different with him, and I wonder if I will ever get the chance to see if that could be true. And AGREED, India forces you to look at yourself and it can be very hard to accept what you find. I always imagined myself being such a strong traveler. India made me aware that well, for one, I should NEVER join the Peace Corps!! I became so homesick for everything American. I have traveled and lived in many places in America and sure, was missing family, friends, and pets, but soon I was going crazy in India especially when I was left all alone for those 10 days. All I wanted to do was eat Mac n Cheese and watch Saved By the Bell. It was like I reverted back to a 9 year old! I lasted a good 20 days on complete Indian food but after that I was dying for the familiar. Basically, I learned I was a weakling when it came to traveling outside my country. I’m guessing I could handle any westernized country with ease, but a third world country with such a culture shock, I need some work. (and, a person to cuddle with at the end of the day for sure!!)
How you make it in the boondocks I will never understand (no chance for the familiar there!) but it does seem your husband does everything he can when he can and that’s very nice to hear. Still, it takes a very strong woman to make it in India and you are definitely one of them. Chocolate pulled me through on some days too. At one point I told my friend I am NOT sharing this with you – get your own! I would have been scared of me then…I may have been foaming at the mouth…
Thanks for the hugs.
Hi!
I’m also late but still wanted to join. I first read your blog when you posted this ad and I wanted to reply right away, but then decided that I needed more context and went through the entire archives. Nice story!
Now here’s a bit of mine…
How long did you wait to get married or start a family and why?
A. was the first guy I met when moving to Raleigh, NC. We were friends for 6 months and then dated for another 6 months before I moved in. But the wedding only happened 3 years later! And no kids yet… maybe in a couple of years (as you know, settling and getting younger does not seem to happen at the same time…).
What were the reactions of those around you?
A.’s parents took a while to warm up to me, but this was earlier in the relationship, especially when I first went to India to meet them. When we announced our wedding they were happy (as they never quite understood what took us so long).
My mom (dad passed away) was a little shocked. She knew about A. but still thought that maybe 3 years was little time. She did come around quickly and helped us big time in organizing the Brazilian wedding.
What made you decide to rush or wait? What do you wish you had done differently?
I don’t think we felt like rushing or waiting. We had been talking about marriage for a long while and it seemed like A. was more decided on it than me. For me it was a huge decision and I don’t think I could have made it sooner. The actual timing of the wedding was decided so that we could have the Brazilian and Indian weddings close to each other.
What do you think is better – a short courtship or a long one?
As mentioned above, I would freak out with a short courtship. As you write, rushed stories of other people seem a bit shocking to me. But then, if it works for them and they are happy…
Would you or did you marry before everything else was in its place? Did it work out or not?
Well, let’s say that while we were dating things were more in place than they are now. Granted that I was in grad school (which served as a good excuse to postpone marriage) but A. had a job and we lived together. Now I have a job and A. is in grad school, I live in Oslo and he lives in Paris (and we meet on weekends). And when he graduates and my contract ends we have no clue what comes next, but having both lived around and liking different experiences I’m sure we will have fun!
Hi Samba! You are never too late to comment on a post! Wow, your mom thought 3 years wasn’t long enough? By the 3 year mark, my family and friends are usually thinking, (sorry for the language) “sh*t or get off the pot”. Basically, if I don’t know if its right by 3 years, when will I know? I think 2 years is plenty of time. At least for me in past relationships, 2 years was the perfect amount of time to really know the person inside and out, and make decisions about whether or not the relationship should continue.
I’m sorry to hear the two of you are now living in different places and only able to see each other on the weekends but both areas must be lovely and – absence makes the heart grow fonder eh?
Best wishes to you and your Indian love!
It’s just that my parents dated for 5 years before tying the knot… And that was 35 years ago!
I have been reading your blog when I get the chance, but I don’t think I’ve commented before… Hi!
Also I haven’t read all the other comments but one thing in your post struck me…
“Why? Well, we both have this image of how marriage is supposed to be, how a life together is supposed to be, and a quick civil marriage in a courtroom doesn’t quite cut it. We also didn’t want to jump into a marriage before we felt secure in our finances. And of course, we speculated too much on what others would think: “Did he marry her for a green card?”
I just have to say the marriage is different from the wedding day. I think too many people(not saying you) have this big dream about a perfect wedding and don’t give as much thought and planning(and sometimes effort) to the marriage itself. Maybe I’m just too practical, but I think if you both really deep down were ready and wanted to BE married, the “details” of the wedding wouldn’t matter quite as much. What I’m saying is maybe there were subconscious doubts going on under the surface.
As for the green card, I can completely understand those worries… but trust me… 10 years from now, you won’t give a care in the world what those idiots thought… You will be too busy taking care of your home and family.
Hi Honey Bee! I am actually not one of the girls who fantasize over her wedding day. I just want A wedding day. Meaning a civil marriage is not enough, I would like a small gathering of family and friends. There will be no D.J. and drunk escapades! It’s not the details of the wedding keeping us from being together. It’s a lot to do with money and where we are at in life at this time. Religion is still something I haven’t come completely ok with, but I think if everything else was in place in our lives to the point we could move forward, we would really begin tackling this stuff head on. Most times we get overwhelmed and then wonder what’s the point – we’re not in a place to even begin thinking about it. Thank you for your suggestions and advice and glad to see your first comment!
What’s your beef with religion issue ?
How long did we wait to get married and why? We got married about 5 months after we started dating. We married in secret and told only our closest friends of our marriage. I knew at 5 months that this was the companion I wanted to be with for the rest of my life; however, we chose to keep it secret because I didn’t want to listen to other people’s opinions of our hasty marriage. His family knew of our marriage. After 2 years of “dating,” we told everyone that we went done to the local JP’s office and got married. My family was very happy as they thought we were “living in sin.” We have now been married 5 years and my family still doesn’t know that married years earlier. But I don’t feel bad about not telling them. They love their son-in-law and he loves them. Why tell them something that would only hurt them.
Reactions of others around us. Everyone was happy. My family loves my husband and they were glad we weren’t “living in sin” anymore. But as previously explained, we were never living in sin.
We decided to go ahead and get married because it was the reasonable, realistic choice to make. We loved each other and he was fixing to have to go back to India if we didn’t get married or go back to school. Going ahead and getting married saved us the unnecessary expense of paying for another degree and time.
Knowing what we know now, neither of us would have done anything different. We are happy and content with our decision to wed quickly, which was the best course of action for US (not everyone). We were able to get his green card quickly, which enabled him to get a great job. When you know your with the right person, why put your life on hold any longer? Why lose any years, time, or money waiting on a green card?
That said, I don’t recommend a short courtship for everyone. I actually think arranged marriage makes a lot of sense. Americans typically make the decision to get married when they are so caught up in “infatuation” (or that “in love” feeling) that we make poor decisions regarding life partners. We make the most important decision when our decision-making abilities are clouded.
Haha, I was thinking out loud and contradicted myself alot. I’ve got mixed opinions on the whole courtship thing. Either way, the green card can be a big hinder to taking your time.
I feel pretty lucky that everything worked out so well for us given our short courtship. It could have been a real disaster as we really didn’t get to know each other until AFTER we were married.
I know its crazy to think that a 20 year old girl such as my self would be making such a huge commitment in her life at such a young age. But in my case there was much fighting for what someone loves. In the end , everything is in its place. By the time i will be 21 i would be married and living in India. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and have known him for longer then that. i have gone through rejection, tears and everything in the middle that goes along with this Intercultural relationship. its not easy. But we were both putting all our efforts for our love to be accepted.
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