Hello again, readers! This one I'd like to dedicate to the ladies.
If you've read my latest post you'd know that MIM and I's relationship has really taken a turn for the worse. But by doing so, I've realized it's allowed me to move ahead in the process of letting go. The moment I received his nasty name calling message, I suddenly had the power and determination to delete our entire Facebook and email conversations - which I will admit I had been hanging on to. Not because I planned to one day be back together, but I simply didn't have the heart to watch three years of communication vanish before my eyes. The day I saw his words, I had absolutely no desire to hold onto it any longer.
Delete all please!!
Are you sure you want to delete the entire conversation? This cannot be undone. YES!!
Deleted. Done.
And I felt...
Lighter.
Next up is our bag of memories. I have a large red and white bag covered with hearts that I had stored all our memories in - movie stubs, love letters, cards from all occasions, and the like. Guys may be scratching their heads at this but as girls I think we all tend to hold on to "cherished moments" like these. It's been sitting on my bedroom floor tucked under my desk and I have been considering just tossing the entire thing without even peering inside. Because I can't decide whether to go through it piece by piece for one more trip down memory lane or just to chuck it, it continues to sit there, undecided.
Since I'm getting ready to once again leave my home for awhile I've been doing some cleaning and rearranging and I've noticed a lot of memorabilia from my past relationships here and there. Photos from my first boyfriend and I's trip to the beach were discovered in the deep recesses of my nightstand for example. That's 11 years ago!
Part of moving on and continuing to blossom as a person means letting go of the past. Especially if the past did damage to us emotionally or hindered us in any way. And often letting go means really letting go - like getting rid of all the left over artifacts from a life and love that doesn't exist anymore. Sure, it's nice to hold on to things for the memories but these memories can often blur reality at the same time. In a "love bag" such as mine, we only hold on to the good memories and looking through such artifacts may make us question why things were ended in the first place. This can lead to us second guessing and doubting our decisions. Then perhaps, going backwards and back to him.
Believe me, when things come to an end, it's usually best to keep them that way and keep looking ahead.
So now it's your turn. When did you finally let go or have you let go yet? If you haven't, how do you think it would make you feel to erase or get rid of all memorabilia from your past relationships? Hopefully like me, it will make you feel empowered and resilient.
Now for that bag...
Yikes!
I haven’t let go of the realtionship box yet. It’s in my closet up high where I can’t reach it. I am not ready it’s only been two months.
I can understand when it’s been such a short period of time. Don’t worry. The day WILL come when you’ll be able to toss it out without any hesitation. And I promise it will be a great feeling when that day comes. Give it time and stay strong and true to yourself!
I hope so. That seems so far away for me.
I really appreciate your support.
xoxo
I am not a sentimental type, I don’t keep any tokens of relationships. Though with my ex it finally ended when I told him I would no longer sleep with him (we slept with each occasionally for several years) this allowed us both to move on and he met his wife soon after I finally ended it.
Felt really sorry reading about how you were called names….its good that you dumped the old memories for good. Change is the name of life. And I dont think anyone has a right to question anyone else’s past. If someone cant cure a wound, he has no right to rub salt on it.
Well, in my case, I just did it know. Partly because of your blog, partly because I knew it had to be done, but just couldn’t. He’s Indian too, and though he never called me names, we both knew it was not working. It’s difficult to understand that even if a person is not bad, he may be bad for you. We tried to get back to friends (maybe too soon) and ended up flirting in skype an gmail… So I decided to stop. Time to go ahead, and I can’t just do that with him in my life. It will take some time but… just as you said, for some reason I feel lighter.
I just found a stash of pictures of my gf’s exes (at least 3, some shirtless) in her hard-drive, after having told her to delete her past stuff numerous times over the years. There was a picture of me in the same folder too. Im lucky like that.
It is advisable for white women to date Indian men raised in their own culture. There are multitude of reasons for it.
BASICS WE ALL KNOW
The average white American woman has virtually nothing in common with an Indian immigrant. After more than four years in this country, with so much assimilation that I am always mistaken for someone who was raised here, I still have problems keeping up with even everyday conversations with Americans. In social events, bars and restaurants with new people I have just met, I always seem to be at a competitive disadvantage in the conversation. The Americans can always find something in common to talk about. The way Indians and Americans interact are quite different. I am almost certain that any affinity towards Indian men is primarily caused by factors other than character and conversational chemistry. The white woman is probably attracted to Indian culture, food, ethnic characteristics than the person’s actual character, as I explain below.
IMPERFECT INFORMATION
One can only judge a person’s character relative to the characters of other people in that specific culture. You would have to be completely familiar with the foreign culture, with respect to fluency in language and knowledge of cultural norms and behaviors, to even evaluate what the person is like. For example, you can judge a white American male much better than an English-speaking Norwegian, for you are aware of the cultural norms and behaviors the white male should meet in order to be considered a gentleman and a charmer. It’s not the case with the Norwegian or the Indian. You are suffering from asymmetric information: where one person has substantially less information about the other person’s culture. You could be talking to an Indian guy, who might be considered an arrogant twit in his culture, and develop a false attraction to him. I think this is the case with many Indian-White relationships.
So my suggestion for any women, not just the white ones, who are attracted to men of different ethnicities would be to find the ones from their own culture. The United States is pretty diverse. All the best on interracial dating!
Definitely some nuggets of wisdom in that piece, and some of the same views my Indian Love shares. It spoke to my heart because he mentions how he wants me to learn Punjabi just so he can sing me Indian love songs that he knows better. He wants me to go to Indian festivals to show me his great Indian dance moves. He claims that there are certain jokes that get lost in translation (I must learn Punjabi). Through it all, I know that he is just saying, “Hey, I want you to see me at my best.” He is also saying, “Culture has to be felt with all of the senses to understand it.”
I get it. Get your post. Great insight.
On the flip side…I adore him completely while we hang in the US. He is super fly in my book!
I did it with my first bf (he’s the only one for which I had such a bag). I’d kept it for something like 3-4 years?
Did it help?
Nope. Not really.
Deleted all the emails.
Made no difference.
As for my crazy Muslim ex? Well, I havent’ deleted the emails (but they’re hidden so I don’t see them normally), but that’s because I need them as proof of the things he said, in case I’m one day accused of being crazy and making it all up.
I probably waited a year before I deleted everything from my computer and threw almost everything out. It definitely made me feel empowered! When I hang onto items, I can’t really let go. My relationship with an Indian just didn’t work out and it was the longest relationship I have had. He wasn’t bad, but we had a lot of different beliefs and I felt like all I did was change for him while he stayed the same. I didn’t talk to him at all after breaking up with him, but I didn’t truly let go until I got rid of everything.
Hi MDG,
The last time I read your blog, I thought both of you were on the threshold of being married. But WTF, today I got a shocker reading this!! Anyway, yours was a fantastic and touching story I experienced through your writings. And it saddens me ;((, I don’t know why but it does. May be, because there was genuineness in your relationship as was reflected in your writing, which made me cringe to your writings.
But its great that you have moved on. Also, from some of your earlier posts, it is noticeable that there is an underlying hostility towards the way Indian men treat there female partners. Which as per your experiences is perfectly justified but this is what is ingrained in the upbringing of an Indian male. Sometimes even western education cannot mitigate the effects of cultural orthodoxy. Both of you are correct from your individual stand points but this is more of a culture clash than anything else. This is the biggest challenge in any cross cultural relationship (as you would have concluded now).
Have a great life ahead and I hope there would be someone special waiting for you that would sweep you of your feet.
Lucky
PS: Not All Indian Men Are Alike.
Lucky, are you from Canada? I may know you.