Recently in the forums we got to discussing whether or not I would date another Indian if the opportunity ever arose. What started the conversation was me saying this:
As for me, I believe my experience with Indian relationships have come and gone. I'm not sure if I could go through it again. But India and all things Indian will always have a special place in my heart.
The responses got me to thinking and I thought the topic would make for a good blog post and further discussion.
I believe there are mostly two ways relationships with Indians begin:
There are those who first fall in love with India and due to this stumble on an Indian love, and then there are those who stumble upon an Indian and thus fall in love with India.
I fit in the latter. I never expected to meet and fall in love with MIM and I really never expected to have anything to do with India. (Isn't it great when life throws curve balls?) So now that it's finished, I find it hard to imagine starting all over again from square one with another Indian. I put so much blood, sweat, and tears into MIM and I's relationship that when it finally ended, all I felt was relief - to be honest.
I would like to clarify that our relationship wasn't bad. MIM was a great guy all the way and treated me wonderfully. But over time I couldn't see us evolving into husband and wife and our differences and small arguments here and there started to take a toll on us. In the end it simply became easier to walk away then to stay and fight what seemed like a losing battle. I'm sure a lot of you have been there: when enough is enough and walking away seems like the quickest way to renewed happiness for both involved.
When we first split I did think - man, I should just stick to Indians now that I've put so much work into learning about their language, culture, food, and country - not to mention this website! But then I left for my six month contract on a ship and suddenly found myself with an American man who I started to share my time with.
Very quickly I realized how much I missed the ease of being with someone who "gets you" and whom you by default already share so much in common with. I realized how much I missed and yearned for similarities between two people.
I still reminisce and get wistful whenever I see Indians, especially cute Indian children, and just today while at the store I saw an Indian man/American woman couple with their three children. Perhaps in time these feelings will go away but, I spent so many years imagining myself with and Indian man and what our family would be like that I know this will take time to forget.
The short answer to the question will I ever date another Indian is: most likely not. As I said in the beginning of this post, I stumbled upon an Indian love and that led to my love of all things Indian. I wasn't looking for it and I'm still not. So chances are, no, it won't happen again. Of course in life I've learned to never say never!
Now I would love to hear from all of you! What made you date outside your culture/race and if it ended, have you or will you do it again?
I think sometimes you just know something deep in your heart that is meant to be and you may shake it for a time, but I think it will again rise to the surface…..
I am attracted to men from different cultures, and thinking back I always have been. I think I was just too afraid of the unknown so I backed away or in a way, I think I was forced away until the right man and the right time came along. If I settle, I will cheat myself and will always feel I am missing a part of myself that never had the opportunity to bloom. Listen to your heart, it wont deceive you
Oops, IN ME is Heart Matters. (For the last post)
I hear what you are saying. Sometimes I wish I could just share some common history with my A. I wish a song from my youth would come on and I could reminisce what it means to me, or a movie that means something in pop culture. Our cultural differences cause most of our fights, from gender responsibilities to what our preferences are on a warm afternoon. I struggle daily and think it might be easier but maybe it wouldn’t.
Hi Julia, In many ways it is easier but it simply depends on what you want at this time in your life and relationship.
btw, what exactly do you mean by “preferences on a warm afternoon”? I’m interested to see if your man is the same as mine, I love warmth and sunshine because here in the North East we don’t get a lot of it. But he’s tired of it due to growing up in India so he always preferred gray, cool days! lol
I like to spend time outside, he likes to lay in bed…he doesn’t believe in going out until its dark!
Interesting. I am exactly the opposite. I grew up in cold, damp, gray London and I prefer warm, sunny weather so I can go out hiking, biking, back-packing, hang out in the beaches.
Come night-time rather than hanging out in bars/night-clubs I’d rather be cooking up a storm for my sweetie, candle-light dinners, sensual poetry, soft, hopelessly romantic music, Samuel Barber, Foure’, Ravel, renaissance music by Vaugn-Williams, John Renbourn or soulful songs by Ofra Hafza ( the Israeli woman singer) or Italian folk songs or seductive Brazilian Bossa nova or cheesy french pop, Pierre Montouri, or Dginn and Oh, the perfumed scented oils……soft whispers!! Sigh!!
What utter drivel !!!
The “I should just stick to Nepali’s now that I’ve put so much work into learning the culture” thought also already arised in my mind.
I wouldn’t know what I would do when it would end. I think I wouldn’t fall for a Nepali anymore, I would always get reminded of my husband. Could be painful.
Hey MDG,
The reason I asked this was because I felt that if you ever found a really interesting Indian guy and then you avoid him just because he happens to be an Indian. As a grad student, I used to work for an American professor but due to differences between us (I being to ambitious scientifically), I got fired in the middle of my course work. That moment itself, I decided to work only for Indian professors (and they are plenty in my University anyways).
Anyway, by God’s mercy, as soon as I got kicked out of my earlier lab, I got hired by a new professor (american) with much better facilities. I used my cultural experiences from my earlier boss to their max. And within a short time, I climbed up the ladder. So my bad experiences in handling my previous boss helped me in my next assignment.
So I would say who knows, your experiences may help you out in future. I know professional relationships are much different from real relationships but still the principle is the same. Experience never goes down the drain.
An old Hindi saying hanging on in my friends dorm room goes like:
Kyun daren jindagi mein kya hoga,
Kuchh na hoga to tajurba hoga.
“Why fear what will happen in life, if nothing else there will be an experience”
Not saying that one should only date Indians (or whatever different culture) for the sake of effort that went into it, but just saying that it may be the blessing in disguise for the future
. Its really strange how God connects the dots.
I understand what you mean, Knut. I’m not saying I’m turned off by Indian men or that I have completely written them off (quite the opposite) but the chances of it happening again I view as quite rare. As NepalivsEurope wrote, I do think it would be hard to not compare and always have a reminder of MIM. I understand I have dated many Americans and haven’t felt strongly this way – but dating an Indian was such a significant event in my life. If feels like I should leave the experience alone and always remember it fondly rather then to try again and again with other Indian men. That’s just my personal feelings. So no, I’m not discounting it but I’m not looking for it, either.
Yeah I got your point, but what I was trying to convey that if possible you should avoid looking someone just as Indian (or any other nationality for that matter). Basically, all human beings are the same. The just get born in different places and get different social habits, accents etc. So I was kind of trying to warn you about being stuck in your past and possibly ruining someones feelings in future. Believe me, prejudices, whatever they may be, are really dangerous. We make mistakes in our life only and only due to our prejudices. And on the top of that, God has his strange way of connecting dots and we try to think too much into it and prevent them from connecting. I am not sure if I am getting the point across, its all very complicated. In a nutshell, prejudices need to be avoided and past experiences need to be used for a better future. And I guess your conclusion about not looking specifically and not avoiding specifically is the best you can do !! Rest is not in your control anyways.
MDG All I can say is you need to give your heart time to heal and the rest will follow….. I have dated men from different races and cutlers as well… I will give you an example I dated back in the day guy that was half Porto rican and Panamanian he treated me badly I ended it and I felt I would never date someone that was Spanish decent but little while later I did it ended cause he got deployed over to Germany. I have dated black man it ended on good note we are still friends we started as friends but it ended because we were not in the same place in life at that moment… As for Indian men I have dated few one ended because we just didn’t match we fought over everything after him I was like no way them I meet another he wanted to get married I didn’t want to and he got orders to move out of state last I heard he ended up getting married few years ago… these are just examples their are good and bad in all. I took the experience from all relationships into the next since I learned from my mistakes and break they all helped me in my other relationships [not sure if that just made sense it's late here 245am] hope you know what I mean. You are home now and everything is sinking in you have time to think and reminisce on things, you heart needs time to heal again that is all you will always have place in your heart for your MIM, but you will take what you learn and been through in this relationship and learn from the exp so when another one comes along Indian or not you will be able to handle what comes at you. Their is only one person who knows who you will end up with and he will not tell you it’s all part of your journey as far as ruling people out I would not you never know what could happen you might come across another Indian man who will be total different sweep you off your feel so to speak…. Only time and faith and density will tell what will happen to you.
How sweet Nicki! Thank you!!
Hey,
All I would say is to give yourself time. If there would be to meet some one Indian or any other Non-American in your destiny no one can stop that to happen. So, keep enjoying. Cheers!!!
Amit
Hey MDG ! BTW congrats on having a new man in your life. Whatever comes your way and makes you happy, should pursue that.
Thanks Knut but, I’m still single per se…I’m enjoying dating but am not too interested in anything very serious so soon.
Well I dated outside of my culture and race because it is just such a relief not to have to explain what a guru is, what seva is, and such things as that. Its nice to have someone with which you have a spiritual affinity, and an affinity of world views.
In my
Your blog is wonderful by the way. It has helped me through many of bad days. For myself I never thought I would meet, marry and go to India! I too first fell in love with a South Indian, Then fell in love with India.I am now in what seems to be a never ending battle of immigration, paperwork, and a very expensive phone bill!lol!. In this long stressfull Journey,I have learned devotion and loyalty along with the expanding love for all things Indian. Their vision of family and daily life (except time control) and preservarence of tradition, love, sharing and giving has tought me many lessons. I hope soon you will find the love of your life. if not indian someone who shares your interest in all things Indian….like cute Indian children! They are adorable when they dance to Bollywood or Tollywood music! Best wishes!
MDG you are welcome. Hope that this finds you well
Hi MDG,
Seems like this blog has a new look to it ??
Going back to your comment about being single. Its nice to be single especially after a recent break-up. Its nice to explore new possibilities with more time for soul-searching, focus on one’s objectives and let the past slowly drift away beyond the solar system !!
I am sure in good time with your intelligence, depth and beauty, sooner or later you’ll attract a dashing prince, perhaps even a dashing, eastern, dark foreign prince !!
Perhaps, you should check out the movie “Eat, pray, love” with Julia Roberts. Pretty cute movie
Summer is finally here!!
A kiss, a smooch and a heart to all the lovely ladies who post here and elsewhere in cyber space !!!
My funniest experience traveling through India with my american ex-wife was when we were promptly admonished by natives for cuddling and kissing in public !!
No kissing, no cuddling, no smooches in India!
Yes! New look – still working out the kinks and design. It will change daily for awhile. I both read the book and watched the movie to Eat Pray Love! Love it.
So are you doing the new look yourself or someone is helping you out ? I remember YIM used to do it for it. Feel kind of sad you have to do it alone
BTW, I decided not to post in this forum and do something useful but then I could not resist LOLz.
Now that I am back home my dad is helping me out a lot with the site changes. Yes, MIM used to help – in fact he was the one that designed the masthead! Oh, please don’t stay away too long!!!
Hey MDG,
Looks like he is doing great job. I remember that you posted about the mast head in one of your posts. Now that you have said, it will be harder to stay away lolz. For my next girlfriend, I am gonna buy her something from your shop lolz.
lol I hope you do, Knut! I think she’d love it.
My witty adaptation of Johnny Cash’s song, Burning ring as it relates to indian-western romances
Enjoy
Indian Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A fiery, hot, curry Ring
Bound By Wild Indian Vindaloo Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Indian garam masala Fire
CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Indian vindaloo Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down in hot Indian curry
And the hot Indian vindaloo love Flames Went Higher
And the Indian hot Vindaloo Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Indian love hot curry Fire
The Ring Of Indian hot, garam masala Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Indian Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down in hot Indian kama desire
And The Indian Flames Went Higher
And the Indian love, It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Hot Indian love Fire
The Ring Of hot Indian love Fire
The Taste Of Indian Love Is Sweet
When Mango Kulfi Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A saffron Child
Oh, But The Indian Fire Went Wild
CHORUS
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of hot Indian Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down in hot Indian kama desire
And The Indian vindaloo Flames Went Higher
And the hot indian love Burns, Burns, Burns
The hot Indian vindaloo Ring Of Fire
The hot, indian masala Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A hot Indian Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down with kama desire
And The hot Indian Flames Went Higher
And Indian love, It Burns, Burns, Burns
like no other lustful fire
The hot, salacious Indian Ring Of Fire
The kama indian Ring Of Fire
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
this hot Indian desire
The hot Indian, lascivious Ring Of Fire
The hot Indian burning Ring Of Fire
copyrighted by Da Siddhartha:)
Oh, you wrote this yourself? Wow! Good job Sid!
Here is another parody that I wrote recently
A witty, wacky, parody ( adaptation) of the Men at work song, “I come from a land down under”.
Hahahah!
Enjoy! if it makes you smile, that would be great!
Traveling in a fried-out rickshaw
On a hippie trail, head full of ganja
I met a strange desi, who made me nervous
He took me in and gave me hot curry
And he said,
“Do you come from a land down under?
Where men drink and women shudder?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
Buying chapathi from a man in Bombay
He was a crore-pathi and full of pithy
I said, “Do you speak-a my language?”
He just smiled and gave me chaat
that looked like garbage!
And he said,
“I come from a land down under
Where men are whiners and women shudder
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
Lyin’ in an opium den in Bombay
With a Gunga Din not much to say
I said to the Gunga Din “Are you trying to tempt me?
Because I come from the land of plenty?”
And he said,
“Do you come from a land down under?
Where with aussie male ire ,
women take cover!
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”
Yeah!
Living in a land down under
Where it rains beer and women take cover!
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover!
Living in a land down under
Where men philander and women shudder
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover!
copyrighted by Da Siddhartha:)
Hi Mdg,
I was hoping you’d like my nutty, witty, wacko adaptation of Johnny Cash’s burning ring of fire
Hahaha!
hope you are doing well. Its roasting here in California, high 80s ! Hot, hot, hot !
Hi everyone from DownUnder Sydney
So pleased to read all the posts…looks like we are all full of new discoveries.
As some of you….been there, done that…and yes I would do it again. I was in relationship with Indian man for almost 3 years. It is hard to describe what did I learn in this time, but it was divine. It was love, spirituality and passion mixed together. Non-Indian myself I have been waiting to be introduced to the family and friends for all this time, all that was taking toll on me and I had no other choice but leave, even though my heart still just belong to him. We are both confused at the moment and I am not sure what will happened….
cheers
Jazzy
I had a similar experience. Love, passion
All together, but I felt like a criminal
Always hidden. For what? It was a complete and at the same time an empty relationship. After months, I finally broke up with him.
However, my heart and soul belongs to him.
And I feel sad, sometimes relieved , but sad…
Bella
Hello!
Thanks so much for your blog – I enjoy reading your experiences with India and India culture/people. I have a heart for Indian people here in the US whenever I see them. I want to reach out to them for some reason. I am fascinated by them and sometimes go out of my way to interact with the ones I come across. I don’t know if an obsession some or what. You can find me in the bookstore checking out all things Indian, whether it be Indian cooking or just way of life there. I even have some earrings that remind me of India, which I purchased at an international type store.
Like you, I first came across and Indian, and fell in love with India and all things related. The one man who I love, is actually not the first Indian I encountered. By the time I met him and developed such a strong bond with him, I was already fascinated by India and everything connected to the country.
I hope to travel there someday..it is not in immediate plans, but definitely will make it happen in the future. Though my heart is somewhat in pieces over an Indian man, who is still my best friend, I will always love India and have it in my heart.
—Kari Lea (again
)
“What made you date outside your culture/race and if it ended, have you or will you do it again?”
Just I was jumping around in your blog and older posts and this questions let me think about something and I wanted to share.
This blog is about love with Indian…but it can also happen in “similar culture”
My first love ever was an American Mennonite and he broke my heart. We got to know at work as he made a practical working in Germany.
Well, I don’t want to tell much about the love story, only that we planned a future together. The day came when he had to go back to America.
One month later I noticed a change in his way of talking and asked him directly what happened.
He told me, that there is not future for us as I’m not religious and his family wants him to marry a Mennonite woman, who can celebrate all religious things with them.
I asked him if he could say face to face that he doesn’t love me any more and he answered: “No”.
Well, I just wanted to notice that such things can also happen in the same “culture”.
It’s a personal thing, how open minded you are…not a culture thing in my opinion.
So, my answer to “What made you date outside your culture/race and if it ended, have you or will you do it again?”
is that it just happened…I did not choose it. he could be German, English, Turkish, it wouldn’t make a difference to me.
And well, it happened again and again I did not choose it…just it happened.
I can never say, if a man is Indian or Mexican or whatever, I will not love him.
It’s not a culture or religious thing…it is love…